If January is an omen for 2024, I’m still optimistic. It was a lot of chaos. But SO MUCH FUN and progress. I just feel… unleashed? Unburdened? Unhinged? maybe. I just feel like I can move. That things aren’t really blocked or in my way. It’s messy and moving fast, but in a way that feels unlimited.

I enjoyed a lot of face time with friends and making my own choices about my own use of time. I know that sounds so basic, but there was something unique about it that I’m still grasping to define. I’m in control. This life is MINE and the choices I’m making are for ME, right NOW. No one else. Not for some foggy future date or potential risk/reward. And in January it felt messy and fast and powerful.

Good

• I saw Six! And loved every second of it! Feminist pop-rock history? Bullseye.
• MEAN GIRLS! Like most millennial girlies it is a core part of my personality and I loved how they kept most of the best things, brought in some newer and better things, and absolutely hit the music out of the park. I’d love to see the live stage show one day.
• I also went to a live podcast show for And That’s Why We Drink! Big month for shows. I’ve found I really, REALLY love live shows of all types at this stage of my life. High school and college? Awesome. Then the mom years I was like “standing? for hours???? in this economy????” But now I’m cool and hip again. Plus podcasts are sitdown.
• Reese started an acting class again! So many of these re-do milestones for her have been these little moments of gratitude and celebration. I love watching her on stage and she’s excited to be in a troupe again.
• We booked a trip to Boston in the fall to visit Ryan’s sister over his birthday… and a Red Sox game, of course!
• I started doing a weekly Modern Manners page with the girls and it’s been so interesting to discuss and practice with them. I’m enjoying building some of these mindful family practices in lieu of religious practice these days.
• I went from feeling really aimless with my professional life, and now I’m closing out January hustling on 3 very different and very interesting jobs. I’m waking up early so I can workout and have more working hours for these cool projects. I’m working in the evenings and having my nanny increase her hours. I love feeling fired up with purpose!
• I started a $5 Tuesday Movie Club! I want to see more movies this year. I LOVE going to movies and I think it’s so good for my mental health and creativity.

Bad

• WHY in the HELL did they choose to have kids return on January 8th. I am gonna write a strongly worded letter to the district. That was insane. They should have gotten out the Wednesday (or Tuesday!) before Christmas when we were excited and energized and had things to do, and then gone back the Wednesday after New Years. We don’t pay teachers enough.
• I did a career presentation at Reese’s class, and while it was fun and reaffirming to talk about being a writer (which still sometimes feels imaginary to say out loud)… elementary schools are completely feral. I am a teenager person through and through. God bless those elementary teachers. We don’t pay teachers enough.
• I was SICK 2 weekends in a row. I rallied during the week, thinking I was getting over it… only to have it absolutely smack me down the minute I had breathing room. Cough medicine is useless and disgusting. OJ+Red Bull and ibuprofen, write it down.
• I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to. Part of it is that I read less when my ADHD is medicated, and part of it is that I’ve just been busy or asleep. Remember how I was going to finish Throne of Glass in December and try to tackle Crescent City in January? lolololol whoops
• There are partially completed projects all over my house. It’s stressing me out daily but I feel like I won’t have time or energy or space to take care of them until…. March?
• I am so far behind on one of my projects (it wasn’t all my fault!!!!!) and I might need to pull a college all-nighter before we head out of town to catch up.
• I think I cooked 4 actual meals all month and I ate crackers for lunch whenever I worked from home.

On My Brain

• Me and my girl chat have had a monthlong discussion about Ballerina Farm and influencers and all the ancillary topics around them. I really loved this TikTok and the lens she describes for viewing influencer accounts. I love to judge and shit-talk, and I think if you’re making money off me and trying to appear a certain way—I’m not out of line for criticizing or disliking it. But then I feel bad about the “they’re a human being” “that’s a person on the other side of the screen” and “we shouldn’t tear people down” stuff. The approach that it isn’t a PERSON we’re criticizing, but a brand and persona (like Flo from Progressive) kind of solves both for me. I get less angry that things seem unrealistic, and I’m more empowered to make the informed criticisms that I have.
• Speaking of shit-talking. It’s partially that discussion around influencers, partially becoming a more grown and educated feminist, partially leaving behind the toxic positivity and feminine control of my high-demand religion, but I’m rethinking gossip. I read some therapy thing about how shutting down people’s stories and complaints can prevent our healing and protect abusers/bad actors/bad learned behaviors. I learned about a study where it showed that interpersonal relationships were the largest impact on human happiness. How shutting down “gossip” disproportionately polices the speech and connections of women. This might be brewing for a future blog post, because I have a LOT to say.
• Unpacking diet culture and body negativity and dressing for hiding/smallness is something that takes a lot of time. I thought I had done the work—I read intuitive eating. I stopped dieting. I ditched my scale. I don’t talk about my weight or my body or my size (other than to sometimes complain at how difficult it is to find bras that work for me, but it’s not @ myself). I’ve untrained myself to compare bodies. I’ve worked HARD. But this last month or two I’m noticing another layer being shed. I was still dressing for disguise. No one can know I have these huge knockers!!!!!! Instead, now I’m looking at outfits based on the individual components working together and the vibes they send, not how skinny they can make someone look. I’m checking the mirror to see if my tag is sticking out or if the tucked shirt is bunching, not if my mom belly looks doughy. I think this is my next hurdle (I’m humbled enough now to know it’s probably not the last): to dress how I WANT without so much concern of it flattering my body or people thinking it’s weird or attention-seeking or slutty. Girl, I have cleavage in a crew neck and there’s nothing I can do about that, so if you think I’m tryna catch a man you don’t know me at all.
• Between Activity Days, some friends at her school, and her cousin getting baptized, we’ve had a handful of really good discussions with Reese about the church and religion in general. (I resonated so deeply with this mother—I could have written it!) I’ve had the opportunity to reflect on the way I sometimes treated nonmember or inactive friends I had growing up—and have reached out to apologize to a few (they were so gracious and understanding; I love them). Leaving the church is not easy and it’s not a switch—which is why so many “can’t leave it alone.” It’s not leaving me alone. It’s in the questions Reese gets at school and the conversations of the moms at pickup. It’s in the party planning for a family baptism that Reese will happily attend on her own birthday to support her closest cousin. And for January I was very happy to notice that, while there were momentary spikes of anger at the church, I was largely able to simply… coexist. That’s more than enough.
• Working with Ryan is fun. I’m sure there will be times when it’s annoying or hard or complicated. But this month of working with him has felt like a culmination of 13+ years of work paying off. I love seeing him as a smart and capable professional, and I love being able to confidently contribute to the team without insecurity about what I bring to the table. We used to carpool to office buildings near each other and joke about it being a “Power Couple” day, but it feels so tangible now. I’m just proud of us and happy that we get to do this together.
• Foster care, CPS, parental mental health, and social services in general. In December I read We Were Once A Family about the way that the adopted Hart children were removed from their families of origin (and ended up dead at the hands of their adoptive mothers). And our January book club pick was Coming Clean by Kimberly Rae Miller, which I read in 2019. Rereading it was so interesting, because I’ve definitely learned a lot and seen a lot more in those 5 years (including working with a hoarder who also had an open DCFS case when I was the Relief Society President). We had a really good discussion about it and I can’t stop thinking. When should social services get involved in the life of a family? When should kids be taken? How do you know when childhood trauma will be enough to majorly impact the adult who later enters society? What makes a cycle-breaker and how do we help them? What is the role of personal accountability when systemic issues are also a factor? It’s just so complex and subjective and I can never seem to find anything that I can draw a line beneath as definitive.

February isn’t slowing down and will likely be messier, lol. Disneyland, birthdays, PRK surgery for this blind bat, working 3 contracts, and trying to FINALLY FINISH THRONE OF GLASS I’m fighting for my life here.