What a year. What a YEAR!!!! I think I knew this year was special while I was in it, but much like a pretty hike is suddenly breathtaking when you reach the summit… looking at back at this year is so emotional and rewarding for me.

Last year I was ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY. Everything felt really messy and hard and shifting. I truly hate the feeling of being out of control, and that was 2022. Everything was just happening TO me. And that’s why I needed 2023 to be more controlled and proactive and driven.

My word was Story. Instead of chaotic, unrelated events, I was determined to see a connective through line. My sights were set higher, and it definitely worked. I shed so much metaphorical skin and shaped my true character with zeal.

Good

• Leaving the church! Technically we stepped away in August 2022, but it was a tentative, eggshells move. In 2023, we officially talked to our bishop, told our families, and then told the world. It cleared so much space for us to create our own stories, unobstructed.
• Hot Girl Weekends!!!! I did more fun stuff this year with my friends and Ryan. Dressing up, going out, seeing shows, attending parties, wearing HIGH HEELS. I discovered the joy that is just one night away in a hotel, even if it’s only 30 minutes from your house, and I did quite a bit of that this year.
• I saw Taylor Swift at the Eras Tour. I saw Sinisterhood at a live podcast show in SLC. We went to an Arizona Diamondbacks game to check another MLB stadium off our bucket list. We went to Tennessee—Nashville & Dollywood! I saw Tina Fey & Amy Poehler in Vegas!!!!!!!
• My brother’s boyfriend flew me and my sister out for Mitch’s birthday as a surprise. It was such a delight to get that dedicated sibling time with them.
• Reese. Just Reese. She was a year full of wins. Well, starting in March when we finally got her a diagnosis and prescriptions and testing into an advanced class for the fall. I’m so proud of her that it makes me cry every time I think about it.
• I potty trained Stevie and I never EVER have to do that again.
• I absolutely crushed this summer. Between the fun camps I researched, our beloved nanny, and the Scera pool pass, we had the BEST summer ever.
• We do audiobooks as a family now for road trips and I just feel so warm and happy about that. We did Nevermoor 1 & 2, Peter Pan, and The Princess Bride this year.

Bad

• My boss. I can’t even explain to you guys the mental and emotional chokehold I was in with my job this year. The cliff notes of the situation is that a very chill, flexible, fun job changed dramatically when they hired a VP who is my exact opposite in every way. His first move was to completely redesign a website (which was 0% necessary) (and not in either of our skill sets) (and refused to take even 10 seconds to ideate and plan and gain team buy-in). It was supposed to be done in April. Then May. Then June. You get the picture. The stress levels rose, and the way he dealt with that stress was to displace it with gaslighting and blaming others. I was crying all the time and it was not very Boss Bitch of me. I finally quit in September and the site didn’t even go live until November and didn’t even use the MONTHS of work he grated me over, so at least I got ~that satisfaction.
• Terrible mental health. Much of this was exacerbated by my job and my boss, but we all know my mental illness predates it. I tried a lot of different things this year, and most of them were expensive and painfully ineffective. I really hate how much guesswork is involved in something so serious. The stakes are HIGH, and navigating insurance and biology and side effects… it’s a lot.
• The tech world was volatile AF this year, and that was hugely challenging to our family at various points of the year. Ryan was so brilliant and hardworking that we truly came out ahead, but we had some really rough moments that had me asking, once again, are the benefits worth the risks when working for a tech startup?
• Leaving the church is no joke. The right move? Absolutely. But it had us pulling out the dead weeds of doctrine from our tender emotional soil ALL YEAR. Hard conversations about Reese’s baptism. Telling friends without knowing if it would irreparably change our relationships. Disappointing our family who think we’re breaking an eternal chain betwixt us. People distancing themselves from us. Anger at things we missed out on and lies we absorbed as truths.
• I have no idea what TF I want to do. For most of my life, I’ve wanted to do SO MANY THINGS. But this year when I was miserable at my marketing job, I really struggled to summon excitement about other jobs. I would apply to stuff, research stuff, and genuinely tried to find a back door into education again. It was all just sawdust in my mouth. Idk. It’s like staying in the wrong job can burn up the energy you’d use to dream about the right one?
• Over the summer I was absolutely STRUCK by an idea for a novel. I started storyboarding and character development… and didn’t go any further. Every writing session was just staring blankly at my notecard wall. Changing timelines. Changing perspectives. Just NOTHING. I’m really disappointed and embarrassed at this poor showing when I have something interesting.
• I usually really love watching my girls level up. I didn’t really truly relate to moms who would “hate” when their babies started talking or their kids went to all day school. I’m a progress girlie. But this year, with Malone, it stung. I think because I’ve taken her sweet, whimsical nature for granted. When Reese stopped monopolizing all of our time, I turned around to find that warm, cuddly Malone was an eye-rolling, dramatic tween???? I can actually ~feel a little hole in my heart that she’s grown out of a phase that I loved so much and wasn’t ready to leave.

On My Brain

• Let the record show that I have always been right about O.U.R. being shady AF and Tim Ballard being a SNAKE. I spent so much time yelling about it this year. I hate that I was right, but it’s also nice to be right?
• Why is it easier to be kind and less judgmental now that I don’t actively study Jesus every day? It’s so bizarre and I can’t fully wrap my head around it, but I know I’m a better person out of the church. That’s probably not the case for everyone, but it was certainly a surprise for me.
• One skill I really strengthened this year is not overfunctioning for people. I don’t have to help manage people’s responses and emotions. I want to. But by the end of 2023 I can see a marked difference in how I relate to the people in my life, particularly when something is uncomfortable or messy or wrong. Boundaries and TikTok therapists, babyyyyyyy.
• Redemption and forgiveness. I feel so different now than who I was years ago, and with that comes a lot of embarrassment and regret at things I said and did. I feel that I know better now, and certain mistakes I’ve made feel physically painful to me now. I know logically that people in my life are lovely and forgiving and possibly don’t even remember some of these silly moments where I put my whole leg in my mouth. But I also feel this desperation to make everything right, to clear the slate, to show that I’m better. Not sure how to let all of this go, but I need to in order to continue moving forward.

I feel so happy and lucky and transformed by 2023. Everything is so completely better now than it was last year. I feel optimistic looking into 2024, and especially grateful for the hard work I faced during the last few years that brought me here.