This post is aspirational. This post is cautiously optimistic. This post is because today, Wednesday May 16th, I feel good. I feel almost completely like Danica again.

Which is a rude thing to say to myself. I’m always Danica, and saying that I fall in and out of personhood is judging myself and I am trying to stop doing that. What I mean to say is that I’ve felt like I’m Danica behind a pane of tinted, smudged, cloudy, foggy glass. I’ve felt like a Danica who was wearing an inflatable sumo suit that made regular functioning possible but slower, harder, more awkward.

But not today. Today I feel like Danica behind a sparkling pane of windexed glass. Hell, no glass at all. Just me, standing in the sunlight, with full use of my entire body. No weight, no obstructions. And I am noticing so many things about it.

It doesn’t mean this is permanent. It doesn’t mean I’m “fixed.” I’m just happy to feel happy, and I feel it’s important that I share it. I’ve been struggling with postpartum anxiety for over a year. There have been so many good days, so many really scary days. A few days I have felt pretty normal. And today I stepped into myself and feel delighted at the familiarity.

During the fog it’s difficult to remember what exactly “normal” feels like. You’re functioning. You’re trudging through. You’re psyching yourself up, trying to convince yourself as much as anyone else that you’re totally fine. You look for all the reasons you’re ok, and it’s easy to not notice the little things that started slipping through the cracks.

Today they all came rushing back and it’s time to put them down. I want to savor and appreciate them. I want to notice if they start to fade into the fog again.

Today I woke up and I wasn’t scared.

Today I wasn’t totally overwhelmed at the thought of a full day ahead of me.

Today I had ideas for several different outfits that I want to wear.

I thought I looked ok.

I tried a new contouring technique.

I thought a friend might be interested in a book I was reading so I proactively texted her.

I was excited to cook this week? I made a meal plan? I found a new recipe to try?? Can’t tell you how long it’s been.

I decided I want to paint my nails red, and I’m excited to make time to do it!

I shaved my legs, washed my hair, used self-tanner and I didn’t put it off. It didn’t completely exhaust me.

I FINALLY built my vanity desk. Only 6 months later. lol

I found myself bouncing and singing along to songs in the car.

At the grocery store, I found that things seemed appetizing. I got ideas for great snacks, breakfasts, stuff to try with my girls.

I was patient with Reese and Loney.

I actually thought “I should take Reese outside to play with chalk!” which I hate, but she loves. It would be worth the mess. It’s ok.

I didn’t feel completely buried under a mountain of tasks.

I made an appointment to finally get some recalls fixed on my Jeep, which I’ve been putting off.

I scheduled some other appointments for next week I’ve been avoiding. Lashes, hair, dentist, etc. Taking care of myself!!!!

Food tasted great.

I started a new show and didn’t quit it after 3 minutes. (Evil Genius on Netflix!)

And last night I found myself laughing hysterically at a Parks & Rec moment I love.

I’m using babysitting that’s available to me and not feeling guilty about it.

I don’t feel the need to cut every possible corner to preserve the scarce energy I perceived. I feel like I can do whatever I want to do today and it’ll be fine.

These things feel so good. They feel so fun and colorful and hopeful. And they feel normal, familiar. These are the things that were the first to go, months before I would collapse in tears at a pile of dishes in the sink. Losing these things went unnoticed, or felt temporary – just a random bad day. Just a busy week. Just PMS symptoms. Just being a mom of two young kids.

Until a year later they all come flooding back and I’m like ??? OH! I used to feel most of these most days. I didn’t fully notice the absence until they returned. That’s the weirdness of postpartum mental illness. It catches you at a big life change moment, so it’s easy for your normal happy “you” things to slip through the cracks.

I hadn’t noticed that I’d stopped laughing or pointing out the things I love about Parks & Rec until suddenly I was LOVING IT AGAIN. I hadn’t noticed how messed up my appetite had become. I hadn’t noticed how much energy I’d been used to conserving until I didn’t need a rest or nap in the afternoon.

If you think you’re struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety too, I encourage you to start to notice the little things. Are there things you used to love that you don’t anymore? How do you feel when you’re falling asleep or waking up? Just because you’re functioning doesn’t mean there aren’t some signals that your brain is getting a little foggy.

Rediscover those little things you love. Make time for something exciting. Go to therapy. Get some medication. Try something new.

Because today I just wanted to share that it can all come back, and it’s glorious.