This word became very apparent to me a couple of months ago. I was struggling to figure out what the difference was between situations where I felt good and ones where I felt bad. Choices that came back to bite me, or those which made me feel proud. What brought me back down to basics, keeping me from being pushed around or blown away.
Security. I did a lot of mental work in 2017 and really it all centered on security. What makes me feel secure? How do I act when I’m secure vs. insecure? How is security better than an instant gratification choice? Security weathers the storm. Security bolsters the awkwardness. Security is the scaffolding for a scary choice.
The moments I feel best are the moments in which I feel secure. The moments that scare the sh*t out of me are the moments where I feel lost, floating, drifting off into space like George Clooney in that really bad Sandra Bullock space movie. Haven’t seen it? Don’t. The moments that scared me, hurt me, spurred anxiety, and the moments where I made the poorest choices were moments where I didn’t feel that foundation. The gravity. The anchor. The security.
2018 is Secure. 2018 is my journey to pursue the feeling of security, in every way.
Secure in my choices. Instead of choosing what’s popular, what’s cool, what’s appealing, what’s easiest, I’ll be trying to think about what decisions will make me feel more secure. I’ll choose those things that help me feel that foundation, the least amount of second-guessing, that long term satisfaction that I did the right thing.
Secure in my body. A lot of times in 2017 I felt really insecure in my body and in my health. It really felt at times like my body was betraying me. What a terrible way to think and feel and live. Instead, in 2018 I’ll be working towards listening to my body, doing what makes my body feel good, and just LOVING it.
Security for my girls. I want my girls to feel endlessly safe and protected in this home, with me. I want them to explore and fail and learn and apologize and forgive. I want to foster conversation (ya I know she’s gonna be 3 but have you met the kid?), solid hugs, smiling when we see each other, and strong love after every time out.
Secure in our finances. We bought a home! And we learned so much about saving and vulnerability with money. I want to continue making smart financial decisions so we can feel secure. It means saying no to H&M hauls so that I can feel secure in my savings account. It means preparing the financial security that ~legit ~homeowners need (does anyone know what that is? help). We’ve got some financial goals, all designed to help us feel more secure in our financial future.
Secure in my testimony. I’m in two spiritual study groups lol. I’m teaching Relief Society. I have a schedule lined up for temple attendance. My spiritual goal this year is to feel secure and anchored in what I *do* know, expanding that foundation, and to spend less time worrying about all the rest.
Secure in my identity. Because it’s changed. So many things have changed about who I am at my core. So many questions about myself have been posed, and a few have been answered. This will be a journey this year, but I’m digging deep into who I am and who I want to be, and the parts that feel secure – weighted down by life-saving gravity – will be the handles to grip. The unsecured, superficial detritus on top will be swept away.
Secured against criticism, judgments, ridicule. This doesn’t mean it won’t still hurt, Danica. Because you’re a baby and it will. But it means that if you can focus on the anchored, safe feeling of knowing you’ve done your best – the security will protect you from lasting damage. You’ll know you’re doing the right thing, and the opinions of others won’t matter.
Secure in relationships. I’ve worked through a lot of relationship stuff this year, and security was a guiding light. I’m going to chase that this year, making choices that help me feel secure in relationships and paying attention to insecurities in relationships.
Secure in my marriage & family. Through everything for eight years now, Ryan has always been my rock. He is so steady, and often frustratingly unchanging. I need that. He is my beacon as I try to emulate his secure confidence. What matters is our marriage and our girls, and sorry, everything else!!!! You’ll fit in where I have room for you, and only if you make me feel as secure as they do. *shrug emoji* I’ve learned you simply won’t find security elsewhere if you can’t find it in your immediate home & family, and that security in your immediate home & family is a critical shelter from all the insecurities in the world.
The visual that has helped me has been picturing strings from me to all the things, people, tasks, groups, areas, expectations, and fears in my life. I draw a small circle around me, with only Ryan, the girls, and God within it. Then I cut the rest of the strings. It’s not like a burning bridge, it’s just cutting the expectations, the obligations, the stress and insecurities. Then when the strings are cut my little circle becomes my house. It’s just us in there. Then I can choose to interact with all the other things – family, friends, work, the world, the media, extras. But the strings are cut. I am not tied to any of those changing, floating things, being tugged by them in all the directions. No.
I am in my home, happy and secure with my little family and the God that made it possible. I am making choices that bring me back there and free up my brain and heart to be spent within those walls. I am saying no to things that make me feel insecure, or feed my insecurities. I am saying yes to experiences and people who make me feel more secure, more strong. I am striving to become a person who is secure, who is safe – for myself, for my girls, for others.
It’s about time I grew up.
