The Beard stood in the kitchen, unconcernedly checking baseball scores as he waited for me. As with this whole process, he wasn’t worried. No matter what that test said he was going to smile, hug me, drink a Dr. Pepper and watch the Red Sox game.

I was the unsure one. Are we ready? Am I ready?  Then when I felt “ready” for a baby I realized that it could take us months, YEARS to get pregnant. I didn’t think I’d be bouncing on my toes in my bathroom quite this early.

*up on my toes* “What if there’s a baby in there??!”

*down on my heels* “Oh gosh I’ll have to be so so careful.”

*up on my toes* “Our parents are gonna be so STOKED!!!!!”

*down on my heels* “But… wait… if I AM that means it’ll be the middle of the school year!”

*shift to the right foot* “Maybe I’ll go buy some baby stuff.”

*shift to the left foot* “THERE IS NO REVERSING THIS IF IT HAPPENED”

*bounce bounce bounce* “I need Ryan to calm me down.”

I knew, of course. I knew my body. And I knew SOMETHING was different. For about a week I’d been living with this little buzz in the back of my brain. So excited and scared. I finally decided to take the test. About 6 of them, actually. Even though I knew.

I finally scooped everything up and took it out to the kitchen because waiting and bouncing and freaking in the bathroom alone was getting to be too much for me.

What if I’m pregnant?

What if I’m NOT?

I’m mad at myself for being worried. I’m confused about being excited. I’m rolling my eyes at myself for even taking a pregnancy test this early.

After bouncing around the kitchen a few times while The Beard laughs at me we finally look, and I couldn’t tell you then or now if I was more excited or scared but there it was.

1 Tiny Fetus

2 Indicative Lines

3 Holdaway Heartbeats

4 Weeks Along

A year ago today I had the craziest, most confusing day of my life. After Ryan’s excited hug and a quick SUPER ACCURATE due date calculation by a fancy free iPhone app I settled into the kitchen table to make 8-900 lists.

I was still SO SCARED. So unsure. I had no way of knowing one year ago today that after a few months of weight gain, heartburn and stretchmarks I’d be happier than I could imagine. I had no way of predicting THAT FACE. Those rolls. That lil grin.

At the time I was mostly just glad for an explanation for all the naps and cheeseburgers.