I value responsibility. Perhaps even before any parts of my personality crystallized in that nightmare brain of mine, responsibility was a certainty. For I… am an eldest daughter.

The basic definition of responsibility is the duty to/for something, including accountability and independence in decisions.

To me, responsibility means being an adult. It means following through. Capability. Reliability. Being in charge of something or someone.

Responsibility is signing up to bring something to the potluck. Thinking it through, planning ahead. And showing up on time with the responsibility you said you’d take.

Responsibility is doing the boring stuff, the hard stuff, the confusing stuff. Even when you don’t want to.

It’s seeing it through to the end, over the finish line.

It’s saying “that was me. I fell short.”

Responsibility is the first of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People—being proactive. This is MY life and MY actions will get me to wherever I end up.

Responsibility is being in the driver’s seat.

Current Alignment

Well, I’m always in the driver’s seat. Almost exclusively, both literally and metaphorically.

I am very good at the most boring parts of responsibility, and they really do give me a lot of comfort.

My responsibility strengths

• Being on time (If we’re not… it was nOT MY FAULT)
• Remembering what I’m in charge of (I color code)
• Delivering on my commitments (I said I’d bring a salad and if I show up without that salad… call the police)
• Determining direction (I’ll make a plan and a vision board and a spreadsheet and and and)
• Responding in a timely manner (I’m not too cool to text back in 0.2 seconds)
• Owning when I screw up (the idea of someone discovering my hidden mistake makes me want to throw up)
• Volunteering & accepting assignments (If i’m part of something it’s my duty to contribute)
• Doing what’s needed/accepted (My kids have never missed a wellness check; I buy the requested supplies for the classroom supplies drive)
• Taking care of others (if your kid is at my house they will be fed and I’ll make sure they’re buckled)

Adjustments for Better Alignment

The phenomenon of suffering caused by living out-of-alignment with your values has been my shadow for my whole life, but only recently identified. Now, the task is to figure out where/when I’m not living like someone who values responsibility.

I feel it when I phone in bedtime, trusting that they brushed their teeth when they say they did.

I feel it when I cancel plans or miss an event.

I feel it when I put off chores, fail to make the dinner I bought ingredients for, or when I watch the weeds declare my irresponsibility in my front yard.

I think the biggest adjustment I need to make here is to get clear on what is actually my responsibility, what has to be ONLY mine, what can be shared, and where I need to cut things out so I can focus on my responsibilities.

I need to take some time to think about my responsibility to my SELF. I am responsible for my self, yes. But I’m also responsible TO my self. I owe her time, care, and attention. If it comes down to attending something I said I’d attend and knowing that I’m not in a great place to meet the responsibility to myself and my family… I need to get more comfortable with that landing on the side of my own needs.

Other’s feelings? Not my responsibility. I can’t control or create them. I have a responsibility to be a good person and do my best. I’m not responsible for how others interpret and react to that. Easier said than done.

I need to take on less responsibility. Stop signing up for everything. Don’t volunteer for things that sounds nice but will ultimately leave me in that place of tearing between external and internal responsibility. I don’t need to plan everything. I don’t need to be the energizer bunny powering every relationship in my life. It’s disrespectful of me to take responsibility that rightly lies with others.

Professionally, I’m responsible with tasks but struggle with the risky accountability of a next step. Writing a book with only my name on it? Owning my own business or taking a role where my progress is quantified and determines my compensation or continued employment? Too scary. But it’s where I need to grow.

I will be responsible.

I’ll be the person you can rely on to do exactly what she says she will, when she says she will. I’ll own and apologize whenever I fall short of that, full accountability.

I’ll do the things that need to be done for health, safety, smooth operation, efficiency, and to check all the boxes.

I’ll do work that I can sign my name to, owning the results and showing my face.

I will take only what is my responsibility, and I’ll allow others to take their own. They need to use their own clocks and calendars. I won’t steamroll or force what other people need to own for themselves.

I will use boundaries to protect me from the irresponsibility of others, which often causes me distress. This could look like not waiting around for someone to show effort or show up, or refusing to swoop in with enabling assistance for someone who isn’t taking their own responsibility.

My highest responsibility is to my self and my little family. I’ll be quicker to honor these responsibilities, and more hesitant in my responsibilities to anything beyond that.

But if you invite me to a potluck, I’ll be there—on time, with side dish in hand.