{This draft has been sitting unpublished in my WordPress since mid September. I really fell off the wagon. Trying to catch up now!}

Wtf, August????? What an insane month. We tried to soak up every last second of summer and enjoyed a week in Tennessee with our family. Then we rushed into back-to-school like chickens with our heads cut off. We haven’t quite caught our breath yet.

I usually want school to start. I get itchy for fall. But this year I could really use another 2-3 weeks of summer. It’s a weird sensation, although I think it’s a good sign that we had a really nice summer.

Good

• Tennessee!! We spent a week in Pigeon Forge & Nashville with the Holdaways. It was so fun to go somewhere entirely new. I loved getting that uninterrupted time with my nieces and nephews, too. We’ll remember this trip forever.
• Fourth Wing! I read it! I am IN on the HYPE!
• School is in full swing for all three girls. They were so excited and are really loving it so far.
• I threw our third annual neighborhood block party and it was so much fun, even if the rain was threatening to ruin it.
• We listened to Nevermoor as a family on the road trip around Tennessee and it was just so delightful.
• Loney listened to her first audiobook and it was so cute.

Bad

• I was mentally not well for most of the month. I had a handful of panic attacks, and (scarier for me) depressive episodes. I’ve always been more anxious, so my coping mechanisms all revolve around anxiety. I’m realizing those strategies don’t work when I swerve into the depression lane. It wasn’t pretty.
• I started taking some cool side projects as I prepared to scale down my full-time job. I got roped into staying full-time for longer than I’d wanted, so I was essentially trying to work 1.75 jobs for the whole month, on top of vacation and back-to-school chaos.
• I told Ryan that I feel like maybe we’re exiting the “honeymoon” phase of announcing we’re out of the church. Everyone has been really nice and kind, but I have definitely felt a shift in some relationships lately. Maybe it’s the reality—no, we’re really ARE out of the church and all of its practices—or maybe it’s just the natural space that grows between people in different stages. It’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it’s ok for me to be sad that some relationships have to change, that some people are going to see me in a different (less rose-colored) light.
• I’m frustrated with myself for allowing so much lifestyle creep. It’s made it harder to swallow what I know the right choice is for me right now—working less—because I’ve been so indulgent in my day-to-day spending. Nothing wild, and nothing I can’t cut. It’s just irresponsible and immature and if I could go back I’d tell that materialistic b-word to calm down.

On My Brain

• Socialism. I don’t think any government is perfect, and I recognize the many advantages we have with relatively free-market capitalism. But damn, you guys. I’ve been in this spiral about jobs, healthcare, mental health, child care, and self-care. Much of it has been my own poor mental health, but that has only underscored the reality and desperation of the situation. So many of us struggle with mental health, which can impact our work (or ability to work). But to get mental health support we need money and insurance. Which we usually only get if we work. Which is even more expensive if we have children. Whomst causes the poor mental health!!!!! And so much self-care is also expensive, in terms of money, resources, and time. It’s just felt really impossible and I don’t understand how late-stage capitalism pulls us out of this one. For me to be a functioning member of society that contributes and raises healthy kids… I need a LOT more help. (AND I’M SO FREAKING PRIVILEGED! THIS IS A BAD SIGN!)
• We need to rebrand rest. Last night I went to a Zumba class, and I was nervous. I have done NO cardio in over a month. And I crushed it???? I did every song, no breaks, full energy and charisma. (I fully realize this is a 50 minute Zumba class with grandmothers and not a half marathon.) I spent a lot of the week beforehand sleeping through a depressive episode. How?! I think I’ve internalized hustle culture so much, thinking every day I wasn’t working out I was moving backwards. Instead, I am getting stronger on the days I give my body (and mind) the rest it needs.
• Intuition. How to? I’m really great with research and analytics and making an informed decision. But that’s like… 30% of life. Everything else can only be informed to a certain point. You just have to learn to listen to your gut. I don’t do that. I don’t have that. I’m trying to journal and meditate more to better uncover what I truly think and feel in situations. It’s hard work and can be really triggering. I’m trying to remind myself that this is all character development, especially when it’s messy.