Well, friends, it’s time. I’m ready.

We are done with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Words I truly never even imagined typing.

Words I never expected would bring me so much peace.

But they do.

If you’ve been here a minute, you know this struggle has been a long one. A non-consensual one. The kind of struggle that had me in a chokehold for years.

And the struggle is over. But instead of defeat, what I feel is relief.

If you have questions, I’m not surprised. I hope you’ll allow and accept my answers, rather than filling in the blanks on your own. (I say this because I know how I have always answered questions I’m too afraid/too embarrassed/not allowed to ask.) (And my ignorant answers were nearly always incorrect.)

This is the letter we send our closest family and friends recently, in pursuit of a new family value: clear is kind. No hiding. No shame. Just truth and owning our choices.

But the most important thing I want you to know: I support YOU doing YOU. If you are happy and healthy where you’re at, no matter where it is, I love and support and affirm you. I’m not interested in influencing anyone to land on any side. I’m a safe place for you, no matter what you believe—I promise that. You don’t need to be scared of me.

Here we go.

To our beloved family

We are writing this in the interest of honesty, transparency, and trust. We understand this may feel painful or disappointing, and we’re sorry if it causes you distress. But we want to share our lives with you all and give you some time to process in your own way. 

After several years of wrestling, pondering, study, and prayer, we have decided that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will no longer be part of our journey. This wasn’t a decision we made lightly, or because of anyone else. 

Our values have not changed—we still hold many of the core teachings of Jesus to be true. We are grateful for the strong foundation you have all given us and hope you know that this does not affect the way we feel about any of you. 

We love you all so much! We completely respect and support all of you, and it is not our intent to cause doubt, get people to leave, or trash-talk the Church. We want to treat your beliefs and opinions with respect and ask that you’ll give us the same courtesy. If you have questions about what we believe, what changed, and why we came to this conclusion—we’re an open book. 

It bears repeating: we think you have all done an incredible job in our lives and we love you so much! We’d like for this to be an ongoing conversation with open lines of communication on both sides. Please let us know what we can do for you, or if you have boundaries for us through this change (we’ve listed some of ours below). This process has been so scary, but we’ve felt so grateful to know that you all will continue to love us. Thank you! 

– Ryan + D

You have Qs, we have As!

Are you going to be one of those angry apostates? 

Probably. 🙂 Anger is a valid and healthy response to realizing that something you’ve given everything to has been lying to and hurting people (including us!). Please remember to depersonalize: The Church is not YOU and YOU are not The Church. We are allowed to be angry with an organization and it doesn’t mean we’re angry with you. 

Is Reese getting baptized? 

No. We’re concerned about the damage being done within the church and for the 18 years we’re responsible for Reese we aren’t going to expose her to more of it. We also have no intention of participating or attending, so it feels inauthentic to have her make sacred promises and commitments to the church which we have no intention of keeping. When she is legally accountable she can make her own, fully informed decision and we’ll happily support her with whatever that is. 

What about the girls? 

We are unwilling to let our girls be damaged by doctrines, policies, and practices in the church. We’ve been age-appropriately honest with them about why we don’t go to church anymore. We are still trying to teach the basics of Christ’s doctrine in our home: love, forgiveness, repentance, sacrifice, patience, service, honesty, and grace. If you would like to talk about these values with our daughters we would love it! You’re excellent examples and phenomenal teachers of these values, and we appreciate your care for our girls.

Please refrain from trying to teach them specific religious doctrines* (we are already trying to unpack some problematic stuff they’ve already learned!) or asking them to pray.

*This includes imposing your own personal judgments about modesty on any member of our family (but especially the girls). We will not be accepting comments about anything that any Holdaway chooses to wear/not wear including but not limited to: underwear type, dress lengths, short shorts, sleeves, straps, cropped tops, etc. 

Unless it’s to tell us that we look amazing. Thanks!

Are you ok? 

Thanks for asking! The last few years of trying our best to stay in the church… we were not ok. I mean NOT OK. It was incredibly painful and difficult, but also taboo to share (which made it very scary and lonely too). Now that we’ve stepped back we finally are ok. 

Will you ever come back to the Church? 

No. Our issues are with core doctrines, Church foundations, and the way the Church is run—all highly unlikely to change in a meaningful way. 

Are you going to try to argue with us? 

Not unless you want to! We won’t try to change your mind if you can do the same for us. (But we promise to answer any of your questions without trying to hurt your faith.) 

Are you sure? Have you prayed about it? 

More than you could ever know. 

So what do you believe now?

Ryan still believes in God and Jesus. Danica is unsure and best classified as agnostic.

Were you offended? Was it culture? Did you want to sin????

I guess you could say yes, we were offended by the way the Church treats LGBTQ+ individuals, women, abuse victims, and SEC regulations (but not by any bishops or neighbors or whatever). 

The culture has issues for sure, but it’s actually the people and Utah that we love the most! 

While Danica has always wanted to drink coffee and Ryan whiskey, we were totally content keeping the WoW forever! 

Basically, everything you’ve heard about why people leave is propaganda to villainize people who leave the church. 🙂 We’re still just Ryan & D, but probably more fun. 

So then why did you leave? 

The short answer is that our values don’t align with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe in equal rights for LGBTQ+ people, women, and people of color. We believe in the pursuit of knowledge and being honest and forthcoming with all types of information (aka informed consent), at all stages. We believe in change, admitting when we’re wrong, and fixing mistakes. In many ways, it was the values we learned at church that made it impossible for us to stay.

And ultimately, this is not an organization that fits with how we want to raise our daughters.  

What was your final straw?

In August 2022 we were horrified to learn that the Church hotline for Bishops who became aware of abuse was pressuring, bullying, and threatening Bishops to intimidate them and stop them from reporting to the police. The realization that our tithing money was being used to hire lawyers to both staff this hotline that was being used to protect and embolden abusers AND fight the abuse victims in court made us realize we could no longer financially support the church. We hung on for a little longer after that because we truly were trying so hard to stay, but it just continued to deteriorate for us. 

Have you been reading anti-Mormon stuff? 

Like any good Mormon, we didn’t go anywhere near it until we’d been out for months. The church and its current doctrine directed us out all on its own. Now that we’re out, we’ve done more research and discovered that most anti-Mormon stuff is just verifiable truths that aren’t flattering to the Church. 

… How’s your marriage?

Legit the best it’s ever been. 

What are your boundaries?

OMG how progressive and thoughtful of you! Thanks for asking! We recognize that the Church is incredibly important to you, and we’d never ask you to suppress that part of yourselves for us. So here’s a helpful chart of the boundaries that will help us feel safe and peaceful at this time. 

BLOG BONUS: Recommended Reading

If you’re navigating your own faith crisis, feel alone in your frustration, have recently left the church, or simply want to better understand some of the reasons people may leave the church, here are some resources I can recommend. Please note that all of these were developed by faithful members, with the exception of the BITE model which is nonreligious and scientific. 

• The CES Letter: A faithful Mormon submitted his questions about the Church to the CES director at the request of the director and the writer’s grandfather.
• Gospel Topics Essays: The Church is slowly responding to the feedback that many church history topics have been misrepresented, hidden, or just plain lied about. These essays are an answer to some of those issues.
• Bridges: Ministering to Those Who Question by David B. Ostler: Fantastic book by a faithful Mormon mission president about how to understand and love LDS members with doubts, as well as ways to make everyone feel more welcome at church.
• Spencer W. Kimball’s Son Edward’s Scholarly Work around the Priesthood Ban: Chronicles the struggle President Kimball went through to end the ban, including the historical development of the policy over time.
• The BITE Model: Cults aren’t just about mass suicides. Scientists have discovered that cults of all levels employ mind control techniques that can be identified through this model.
• At Last She Said It: Two faithful Mormon women address patriarchal issues that exist within the Church.

No matter where you’re at and what you choose—I love you! I support you! And no matter what you need, I’m a safe space. Unless you’re gonna join a pyramid scheme in which case I may give you an earful.