I grew up hearing a lot about the role of motherhood. While the young men were playing basketball I was in the other room learning how to sew a pillowcase (????) because I needed to learn how to grow up and be a mom, wife, and homemaker. Apparently it was just as vital for the boys to learn how to play uncoordinated defense.

I regularly heard things like “the most important thing you’ll ever do is be a mom” and “you’ll need to learn to run a household, like making meals and doing laundry and living frugally.” I truly have no issue with those statements. I’m not likely to change the world with some Nobel-Peace-Prize-winning research. And it’s incredibly useful to learn how to run a household.

What I’m mad about now is the narrow and often rigid scope of these declarations. That at such a young age they were already heaping responsibilities and expectations on us that were defined by the patriarchy and not applied bilaterally. They were not telling the boys that the most important thing they’d ever do was be a dad, or that they too needed to learn to run a household. The boys were saddled with their own unfortunate set of religious and patriarchal expectations (missions, stymied emotional growth), so I’m not saying it was always a picnic for them. *whispers* Although they did get to do a h*ck of a lot more than we did and I’ll never stop fighting for equal program funding in the church. 

The mom lie was the worst and deepest one, though. Because it started so young, it colored so much, and it is still actively damaging so many of us today. I think I was vaccinated against the full virus by having a mom who

A. Worked

B. Did it well

C. Loved what she did (still does)

I always had the example of a working mom, loved it, and couldn’t have imagined another way. I was also a smart girl in the 90s, which meant that the world was spinning up Gifted & Talented programs, pushing collegiate futures, and realizing that girls needed more opportunities. I feel like teachers went out of their way to encourage my intelligence and expect more from me. I was very lucky.  I knew I would probably be a mom. But I knew I would for sure learn to do something and go DO it.

Recent discussions with close friends have illustrated the more common approach for those 90s girls (and the ones who came before us). Middle of the road girls or those who weren’t quite sure what they wanted to do were gently allowed to float, always with the “safety net” of becoming a wife and mother. They weren’t actively encouraged to do more, be more. They took those messages from YW leaders and general authorities to heart.

The most important thing YOU, (insert name), will do will be to raise babies. 

And as we aged into it, the pressure built.

“When are you getting married?”

“When are you having kids?”

“Danica! Congratulations!!!! So are you gonna quit to stay home with the baby?”

“Good for you, staying home with your baby. Definitely the right choice.”

Or the one that sat with me for a while when I hadn’t yet decided if I’d keep teaching or not:

“Oh, you don’t want someone else raising your babies.”

The mom guilt dripped from every word. She wasn’t a bad person. She was just in the thick of it.

I lasted 2 weeks of unemployment after Reese’s birth before I found a freelance writing gig and never let go. I still found myself keeping it low key, as though it was only acceptable if it was just a side hustle. Just a ~*cute*~ ~*hobby*~.

Once it built up to something requiring more than just naptime or an hour before bed, I found a neighborhood teen to come once a week. AND I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. Peaceful work. Someone who wasn’t completely burnt out on patience, playing with my daughter. I didn’t have to dress and undress that doll for the 100th time while trying to write about DUI cases. I wanted even more.

But was I allowed to???? Is it selfish for me to pursue interesting work and additional money for my family when it means there will be hours where someone else is rAiSinG mY BabIEs?????

When I got the Divvy job it was time. They had a real live office with a real live desk. Diet Coke in the fridge. Team meetings and team lunches. I WANTED to put on my neglected blazers and sit at a desk to write for hours, chatting with coworkers at lunch. I found a nanny, through a stroke of fate, and a whole new chapter of my life unfolded.

The chapter where I recognized that the “ideal” I was taught—a mom home with her kids—was not only not what I wanted. It was NOT GOOD FOR ANYONE IN MY FAMILY.

Sure, the most important thing I will do will be to raise these three girls into women. But NOWHERE did it say that I was ONLY to raise these three girls into women.

NOWHERE did it say that I was the only one raising them.

NOWHERE did it say that the best way to accomplish that eternal task was to surrender myself completely, putting everything on hold, and turning myself into the omniscient, omnipotent god of their upbringing.

In fact, the pure and shining truth I was confronted with was that the best thing for my family and each of the individuals comprising it was for me to work. That’s how I can be the best mom I can be, creating the best life for all of us that I can create.

My kids benefitted from a mom who wasn’t completely drained and impatient with them. My kids benefitted from the personal growth that I was experiencing in my professional life.

My kids benefitted from a nanny who was kind, patient, fun, and caring.

Our nanny makes them pancakes every morning she comes, which I’d never.

We had an additional fan in our cheerleading section when Reese had a tumbling recital and Loney had a Princess Ball.

I am a more intentional, well-rounded mother. My family has better balance, and a healthier financial future. It appears the opportunity has been a positive development for our sweet nanny, too.

So I won’t shut up about it. I understand there are personal, financial, professional, logistical factors. I am not here to tell you what’s best for YOUR family.

But the idea that you’re not supposed to work outside the home, or that you should be ashamed of a nanny, babysitter, daycare?

It’s a gigantic B.S. lie.

Working and bringing in more people to help in the raising of your children might be EXACTLY how you accomplish this most important task.