I like to think I have an abundance mentality, but I’m realizing I don’t really live it out. It’s one of the many, MANY weaknesses being revealed to me in the age of COVID-19.

It’s a combination of the third trimester nesting, spring cleaning, switching back to my normal non-maternity clothes, becoming a preschool teacher/day care director, and having a ton of kind people bring us food and snacks postpartum. All of those happening and overlapping in the last three months have shown me that what really matters is what we actually DO.

Shopping is fun. Planning is my drug. Preparing makes me feel safe. Intentions are good. Minimalism is cool. Organizing is soothing. But in the end none of that matters unless you USE IT.

Why do I hoard Target One Spot activities and stupid craft ideas?

Why do I keep my grandma’s china set only for “special” occasions?

Why do I have 6 (literally actually not figuratively 6!!) different concealers that are all about half used?

Why do I have shampoo, conditioner, and body wash that I don’t actually like or want to finish?

Why am I saving my favorite candles and wallflower refills?

Why do I keep making lists of things I want to do around my house?

Why do I save certain little girl outfits because it’s just a normal day? Or try to put them in something new instead of their favorite dress?

Nope.

As I went through cabinets and sorted through clothes and stopped my girls from opening that toy I had tucked away (again!!!) I found myself noticing a growing shame. What I’m doing is gross. It’s wasteful. It’s selfish. It’s fearful. It’s weak. It’s cold.

I am robbing today of its potential. I’m placing undue pressure on tomorrow. I’m undermining each day that isn’t “special enough” and setting an unattainable, ill-defined bar for the future. I’m wasting resources. And it doesn’t even make me happy! Instead I’m looking for the next thing that could be useful/make me happy/please my kids/matches someone’s instagram, and completely neglecting the 3,000 other things I bought or found or planned to be useful/make me happy/please my kids/match someone’s instagram in the recent past.

Quarantine lowers all of our standards. You want to wear a skirt over pants with flip flops and a hoodie and some bunny ear headband? Knock yourself out. I thought we’d save this paint set for a special day, but if we don’t get you guys doing an activity NOW we’re all gonna murder each other. One day I’ll tint my hair pink with this rose gold temporary dye again… well we’re on a rotating wheel of timeless ennui so I might as well, right?

The last couple weeks we’ve lowered the bar and it’s been… unexpectedly awesome. I pulled out dumb crafts and activities for the girls that I’ve held onto for months and we had fun with them. I got over my fear of paint hassle/mess and set them up with a fresh roll of butcher paper and watercolors (outside, of course because they ruin my indoor life enough withOUT paint and water). I opened up a toy that for a long time I intended to return, and it was like Christmas all over again.

When it comes to beauty products, I feel bad discarding a half-used tube or bottle. I might want it later. I might suddenly run out of the one I really like, so I’ll be glad I kept this backup. Right? RIGHT?????? I had 2 unopened bottles of body wash under my sink, and one in my shower that I didn’t like. Seriously. I’d usually use Ryan’s bar of soap because I liked it better. In the past, I’d let my body wash sit there in the shower getting used in tiny increments, and then impulsively buy something new because “Oh yeah I hate that stuff in my shower.” Instead, I gave myself permission to discard what I didn’t like and USE WHAT I HAD.

Going through my makeup drawer I discarded the eyeshadow that I was scraping out the dregs from, and the cheap drugstore stuff that didn’t match right. From what I kept, I decided to USE IT. There’s a sense sometimes of “today’s not worth my ~good makeup” or “I don’t want to use it all up so fast!” But why not? An abundance mentality says “I have enough. There will always be enough. I have and love what I need.” I picked one concealer (which isn’t my favorite but still works) and I’m going to actually use it up until it’s gone. Thank U, next.

What is the point of all these items of clothing I’ve accumulated and curated over the years if I DON’T ACTUALLY WEAR THEM? Stupid stupid stupid. Wasteful wasteful wasteful. What’s the point of a shirt that is cute but I never actually wear it because I’m waiting for it to not fit weird or to magically work with an outfit I can’t envision?

Being stuck in my house, nesting and spring cleaning, I’ve realized that I have so much and I’m so fortunate. How ungrateful of me to hoard things, saving them for the “right” time, the “right” place, the “right” anything.

Instead, out of boredom and necessity, I’ve actually been using. (not drugs) I’ve been using up beauty products, lavishly enjoying bath bombs and my favorite lotion instead of rationing it like a freakin Scrooge. I am going to wear every item of clothing in my closet, appreciating them Marie Kondo-style and ditching the ones I ~don’t want to USE. It’s not a “waste” to get dressed in something I like even if I’m quarantining at home. I created a toy rotation and creative play schedule for my girls, and I don’t feel like I need to save anything for some ambiguous future date.

Today is special. Today counts. Every day is a day of our lives. Stevie will soon grow out of these outfits. Eventually Reese won’t want to scribble in princess coloring books. Why let the candy get hard and stale hidden at the top of the pantry?

Squeeze out the last drops of that bottle. Wear down the crayons to nubs. Open up those boxes and sealed presents. Just start on that thing you’ve been “saving.” Enjoy the things you have and don’t wait for the “right” time.

There is just so much satisfaction in USING IT. And there’s no better time.

Come on. You got anything better to do?