The craziest part about this whole process is the realization that until you have your food, sleep, money, health, and general s*&^ together you really shouldn’t be prioritizing your relationships!

Are you surprised that relationships aren’t in the base of the pyramid? How often are we putting our relationships ahead of our own basic needs? This isn’t to say that sometimes we need to serve and love the important people in our life when they need it, even if it means going hungry for a while or missing out on sleep. The reason relationships have to come after physical needs and security is that you can’t have happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships if you aren’t at 100. Sure, you can fake it for a while. But you will be a unable to give your all and fully appreciate them. Annoyance and resentment builds. Unfortunately, you can trust me on this.

Up to this point, you should have tried to minimize your responsibilities to others. Obviously as a mom and/or wife you can’t drop all of your relationship obligations, but just keeping those relationships at a basic level until you have your personal ducks in a row helps SO MUCH. For me it meant chilling out on playdates and fun, creative activities for my girls until I had a handle on life. It was so helpful for me to remember that so many things come before the stuff I think I need to do for friends, neighbors, extended family, random strangers…

Add It Back In

But now you slowly add stuff in, and you pay close attention to how it makes you feel. You may notice that with your new found health, energy, and reorganized priorities you’re much more appreciative of the relationships in your life. You have more to give to your significant other. You have more patience for your kids and extended family. You know you can dedicate time to a soul-enriching girls night, because you have the important things in your life taken care of.

Or you may realize that organizing a friend lunch is grating on your stress. Maybe it was always doing that, but you were just so tired and overworked and unhappy that you didn’t notice. It could be that you simply don’t have the time for it, and it could be that this person just isn’t right for you and your life right now. That’s the magic of self care. When you strip everything away to get the basics figured out, you create more room for the good stuff and less room for the bad. You just need to listen to your heart, as cheesy as it sounds.

Boundaries

Notice where you’re getting annoyed. Notice where you start to feel unhealthy. Notice the stress. This is a phase for setting boundaries to prevent that from happening. Problem solve! I determined that putting my kids down earlier would help my relationship with them AND my relationship with my husband AND give me the time I needed for renewing self care like journaling, reading, yoga, and more.

Learn what things are too much for you – like parties or reunions – and draw the line. Begin creating routines that work, for example we do one Sunday dinner a month at my moms and one Sunday dinner a month at my in-laws. Perhaps you schedule a weekly phone call with your out-of-state best friend or turn off the notifications on a family group text so you’re not sucked into it every day. Decide that you won’t engage with a good friend on a particular topic that drains or frustrates you. You gotta figure out what makes you feel happy, healthy, protected, and energized.

Love & Belonging

You need to feel loved and you need to feel like you belong. That’s what relationships are all about. If you’re not feeling loved or like you belong in the relationships you’re sustaining, examine them closely!

Feeling that love and belonging is incredible and renewing. Nothing can recharge batteries quite like a supportive relationship. This stage isn’t just adding back in girls nights and paying attention to your husband again. It’s about really, truly investing in the relationships that give you love and belonging – and providing that love and belonging to others.

Study up on your love language and that of your significant other, kids, best friends, and family. Figure out how you best feel love and belonging, and then communicate it clearly to those you need it from most. Take time to give them that sense of love and belonging, too.

For me, this stage was when I reprioritized date night with my husband, and doing stuff that was fun for Reese (and only Reese) because I loved her. I identified some rough areas in a few of my relationships and created a set of boundaries of things I just won’t talk about with them anymore. I tried to be really proactive in appreciating the people in my life, and did better at asking for the help and validation that I needed from them.

Forgive

It’s time. Whatever that thing is that you’ve been carrying around. It’s time to go. It’s time to forgive – FOR YOU – so you can feel good and safe and happy and light and ok again. Food won’t fill that void. Online shopping can’t. You might think another person can, but that’s only correct if the person to whom you’re referring is the Savior of mankind.

There are relationships you should forgive and then cut out of your life. There are relationships you wish you could cut out of your life, but you can’t, so you forgive and then set firm boundaries. There are relationships you really really want in your life but are filled with lots of problems, so you forgive and start afresh with compassion and boundaries.

Self care is doing the messy work of relationships instead of just running away or complaining to someone else. It is having the hard conversations, admitting imperfections, listening to criticism. It is doing what will make your relationship with your significant other, your kids, your mom, your best friend, your neighbor, your coworker, BETTER tomorrow. And better next week. And better a year from now. And 15 years from now.

That’s really what self care is. It’s thinking about the future, and what makes you happy and healthy in the long term, not just right now. Bath bombs and pedicures and Treat Yo Self shopping are great! But if what you really need is laundry and an oil change and a glass of water and a hug from your husband and 8 hours of sleep… do that. Because those things are guaranteed to make tomorrow better, easier.