This was a frequent question I was asked when I posted about my postpartum anxiety on Instagram. So, so many amazing people out there want to help but don’t know how and I just took so much hope out of that. Sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’re totally alone or people are ignoring you or they’re ashamed of you. Because your brain is quick to tell you that. Instead, the reality is just that they don’t even know you’re struggling or they don’t know how to help.

I can’t speak for every woman with postpartum illness, and you can find lots of posts like this on the internet. I am just sharing my voice, my experience.  There are obviously going to be personalized responses that you need to make with your own best judgment. Here is what helped me, or would have helped me, or helps me right now.

Recognizing It

The first place is recognition. A good starting point is to understand what postpartum depression or anxiety can look like. This summary is simplistic but informative, so don’t take it as the final word but a place to start identifying the symptoms. Understand that postpartum can look super different in everyone. Mine was never really sad or depressive, and I didn’t do a ton of crying. I never felt anything resentful or hurtful about my kids, praise the Lord. So for a long time I thought “Oh, that’s not it then.” It can be totally personalized.

If you know and love a new mom, look for it. Changes in their behavior. Nerves. Sadness. Withdrawal. Messy houses beyond what you’d expect. Sounding bitter or overly negative. She may not even realize it, as it can be gradual and so completely consuming. It’s our duty to look out for the ones we love.

Tell Them

When Ryan told me it was my brain making me like this, not my choice, not my fault, it was like being pulled out of water when I was drowning. So many women just need to hear that it isn’t them. They aren’t doing anything wrong. Postpartum depression and anxiety is a real thing and not their fault. They need to put a name to it in order to take steps forward. Gently, from a place of trust, telling them you think they might be suffering from postpartum illness and that this isn’t permanent or something wrong with them can open the door to the cave.

Be There

Postpartum depression and anxiety is isolating and alienating. Be there. Be in her life. Invite her to stuff. Show up. Reach out via texts and calls and social media. Just be there. As consistently as you can be. Even when you’re getting no answers or flaky RSVPs. Especially when you’re getting no answers or flaky RSVPs.

Ask Her How She Is

And actually listen for an answer. And keep asking. The first time she’ll probably tell you she’s fine. Oh man. How many times did I tell people how great I was doing when I had been up at 3 am shaking Ryan awake because I couldn’t breathe normally. It’s the dumbest thing. Do your best to make her feel safe answering honestly – this means don’t put her on the spot in front of people. If she says “I’m doing ok.” wait for more. You can even say “Have you had any postpartum depression stuff going on?” because it can be easier to answer ” Yeah, actually I feel…” than it is to bring it up.

Ask What You Can Do

None of this “let me know if there’s anything I can do” B.S. No one has ever let you know if there was something you could do. Say “Hey. I love you and I want to help you somehow. What would help the most? Can I take your kids for an afternoon? Need help weeding your garden? Can I bring some Costa Vida over for lunch? Order your family pizza for dinner?” Giving her a menu of options can help her feel less shame about needing help – even though obviously she shouldn’t feel a second of shame at all.

Think outside the box, too. Have her text you her grocery order because you’re going to the store anyway. Give each other manicures. Stuff like that doesn’t feel like pity service, by which she’d be humiliated. Do her dishes when you’re at her house – my best friend does this and it’s so kind and always makes me feel good.

A lot of people won’t let you help, but you can do it anyway. You can send them dinner (Crust Club!) or a kind note (Bright Box!). You can invite them to playdates, or show up with her favorite drink. Come over and just start cleaning her kitchen. (You kind of need to be close enough for that one to work, but no mom will say no to a clean kitchen.)

Respect Her!!!!

She’s not a fragile piece of china. She’s just someone who needs a little extra love. Don’t tiptoe around her. And DO NOT share what she’s going through like hot gossip. If she trusts you enough to share, you better honor her bravery and privacy. Keep inviting her to stuff. Communicate faith and belief in her. Ask about interests and what’s going on in her life. She is still a human person!!!!

Be Patient & Forgiving

I was such a mess and not a very good friend/wife/daughter/sister/mom. I was petty, angry, scared, mean, and defensive. I am so endlessly grateful for the people who saw me through it, saw me on the other side of this dark cloud. I know it’s a fine line between holding people accountable for their actions and understanding how mental illness modifies agency. But erring on the side of forgiving mercy and charity will benefit everyone in this situation. She might be short with you, critical, mean, inattentive, self-centered. Try your very best to be patient and loving. She will be so so grateful for it.

What NOT to Do/Say

• Spout off scriptures or conference quotes meant to “fix” it
• Tell her to sleep when the baby sleeps
• Sign her up for compassionate service in the ward, or tell people to help her without her consent
• Suggest exercise (you can invite her to exercise with you, but simply saying “If you get out and exercise you’ll feel better!!!!” because to her the dishes feel like a marathon and she’s overwhelmed to the point of tears so just STFU on this one)
• Call it the “baby blues”
• Tell her to choose to be happy
• Link it to breastfeeding, formula, c-sections, natural births, epidurals, cosleeping, or anything else, really. PPD affects women of all walks of life, all situations, all scenarios.
• Suggest a simple fix of any kind
• Freak out if she mentions dark thoughts
• Question her dedication or skill as a mother
• Distance yourself from her like it’s contagious
• Tell her she should be so grateful for motherhood and her baby – she knows. That’s part of why she feels so awful and guilty about the bad feelings. plz stop

At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do is strive for empathy. Imagine you feel like you’re drowning every day. Putting on a clean outfit is impossible. You don’t have the motivation to wipe the counter. The kids demand everything from you and you feel awful because you’re supposed to be patient but you just want to go cry in a closet for a while. You feel scared or embarrassed to be around other people. You’d kill for a nap, a full-service deep clean of your home, an uninterrupted hot meal, and some happy, motivated thoughts in your brain.

So what do you need? You need love and loving help. Give it to them.