If you guys only knew how many times I drafted these posts. In my head. In the notes app on my phone. To my friends. Sharing is part of processing for me, so I knew I would do it eventually. I guess I just thought I would do it at the “end.” You know, when things were “better” and “fixed” and I was “back” to “normal.” Ok I’ll stop with the quotation marks.

I also wanted to share because there is such a stigma and I don’t want there to be. The only way we break down the stigma is to normalize the stigmatized thing. And as I’ve talked to so many friends about this it became pretty apparent that postpartum anxiety may not be normal for everyone but it’s happening a h*ck of a lot more than you’d think if it was abnormal.

I waited because I had relapses. I waited because I didn’t feel cured. I waited because I didn’t feel qualified to share. I waited because I thought people would think I was attention-seeking. I waited because I thought people out there have it worse than me and I’ll sound like a whiny, privileged white girl. I waited because the first few times I told some people I got instantly standoffish and icy reactions. And then I just kept waiting.

But then every. single. time I got a little brave and shared my experience with someone it ended up being an unexpectedly powerful and helpful thing – for me and others. And maybe it won’t be this time. But I’ve had enough important conversations with other struggling women to know that it can only be positive to share in an honest and trusting way. To know that I am not alone and that you are not alone.

Because I *obviously* have a lot to say on the topic (on every topic, who are we kidding), I decided to break it down. That way I can give proper attention to each facet of this long and life-changing process, and you can skip or skim the parts you like/dislike/need.

Here’s my Top Ten Facts to get you started:

1. I am not a doctor or therapist. This is my experience, and my experience alone. I know it can relate to a lot of people, but it doesn’t mean it is the same for you. And that’s ok.
2. I have Postpartum Anxiety! I had a little with Reese but then full-fledged after Loney.
3. Things got Bad. Like see that capital B, Bad. Like I didn’t want to be here anymore, bad.
4. I am not, and have never been, a danger to myself or my kids or anyone else. It wasn’t like that, but I know that it can be.
5. Mental illness means your brain feeds you things you didn’t come up with yourself and can’t control. It’s not your fault. You aren’t a bad person. Things just got a little disorganized in your brain.
6. I have been going to therapy for 10 months.
7. It’s hard work but it’s also awesome. It’s organizing the junk drawer that is your brain right now.
8. I just started anxiety medication and I’m so so excited about it! I wanted to try without medication and I’m glad that I did, but now it’s time to get a little extra help on top of the work I’m doing.
9. Therapy will help anyone who wants to do the work to be a healthier, happier person. Literally anyone. You don’t need trauma or mental illness at all.
10. Things can get better. They totally can. I’m not saying you can be 100% cured or healed or whatever. I’m just saying there is help. There is progress. There is light. There is happiness. There is a loudmouth cheerleader on the other side of this screen ready to talk/listen to you all about it.

Over the next week I’m sharing 3 posts:

One about the postpartum anxiety. What happened. How it felt. What I recognized and didn’t recognize. And the wakeup call that pushed me to therapy.

One about therapy! How I found my therapist, what therapy is like, ways it has helped me, how I’ve implemented it, etc.

And one about overall treatment. I tried a LOT to treat this on my own before therapy. I have done a lot in conjunction with therapy. I have a new treatment plan I’ve organized to go along with medication once I get that figured out and balanced. Coping mechanisms, self-care, affirmations, all that jazz. I’m also going to talk about things that my friends and family have done that have really helped me, because I have talked to a few people who just want to know what to do for the people they love with anxiety or other mental illness.

I also really want to thank everyone. I had so many people respond positively when I opened up to them about therapy and mental illness. I had so many people reach out with love and awesome questions on my Instagram story.

I want to remind everyone that I’m not an expert. I’m just a super flawed, obnoxious, loudmouth, prideful, and privileged girl who has to socially process and sees a shred of hope in the sharing of this story.

Stick around if you want – I’ll be sharing over the rest of this week. Or skip it and come back next week when we’re back to books and babies.