Lol December you played me. We woke up on November 30th to our first morning in our brand new house, and that feels like it was approximately 100 years ago. The month seemed to drag on and on, until the week before Christmas when suddenly IT WAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOT A SINGLE ROOM WAS FINISHED IN DIET COKE I WILL DOUSE. I still had so many presents to buy, projects to complete, and Christmas candy to eat.

Moving, y’all. It cray. As I type this I have put everything Christmas away except my naked tree, which I’m waiting for Ryan’s help with. Christmas was INCREDIBLE, literally our best ever, but I have also been itching for it to be over. People often say they want their house back… I just want my house. It feels like we went from survival mode to Christmas mode, and *now* I can finally settle in and get shiz done.

December was probably my most polar month of the year, pun intended. I am very sorry to say it caused a serious and debilitating relapse of my anxiety, which I thought I had beat. “Beat.” The move undid everything, and I couldn’t seem to get an inch of traction during the month. More than once I found myself rocking and crying on the floor or impulsively buying insane amounts of Christmas presents at once. But then we would have these amazing moments of Christmas magic with our girls, culminating in the best Christmas we’ve ever had. I dunno. It was weird.

Good

• CHRISTMAS. Reese screamed with delight at every present she opened from anyone. She oohed and ahhhed over lights and learned to sing several Christmas songs.
• We’ve already hosted a handful of delicious dinners here, despite the semi-unpacked mess. It was the whole idea behind this new house, and I’ve loved it.
• Our Wu-Tang Christmas card was a hit. Well, with some people. Lol
• We got to do a ton of fun stuff this month, like Christmas in Color, a Christmas party at my grandma’s care home, riding the Polar Express, meeting Santa at Reese’s school party, the Lower Lights concert with our best friends, and Reese got to go to the cutest toddler Christmas party with her buddies.
• Several elements of my home came together the way I’d hoped, and though I still have SO MUCH to do it feels so nice to see things I’ve imagined in reality.
• I taught my first lesson in my new calling as Relief Society teacher and really enjoyed it, though I’m super rusty. I’m really looking forward to this.
• I’ve been working on my Powersheets for 2018 and feeling so inspired and excited!!!!
• I was so grateful for a renewed spirituality this month. I really thought about my Savior during this season, and had some very healing and uplifting experiences that I desperately needed.
• I think the mental struggles this month really helped me refocus on what ~actually matters this upcoming year, so I ended up shifting a lot of my resolutions and priorities.

Bad

• Big time anxiety relapse. A bad one. A ~bad one. Like probably the worst I’ve ever experienced. The move, Christmas hustle & bustle, random and constant stumbling blocks from every direction and source… I just felt like I was drowning for so much of the month. And then I was disappointed and mad at myself for relapsing which did. not. help.
• Speaking of stumbling blocks SCREW YOU TARGET.COM FURNITURE. We had several items we’ve ordered not work out or have missing pieces, and then the returns/refund/replacement aftermath has been infuriating. I just want to get my house finished! And I can’t control any of this! It’s not making me happy!
• Lack of routine. It’s been so hard to do regular stuff like clean, bedtime routines, stay on top of work, grocery shop and meal plan, etc. with everything going on. I’m a mess over here literally and figuratively! So looking forward to a calmer, routine-filled January.
• I spent way too much on last minute Christmas and retail therapy. I do think I’ve responded to it well though, returning items and feeling content with new things so I won’t do much shopping in coming months.
• My poor body. I’ve had back pain, hip pain, dehydration, constant headaches, dry cried out eyes, terrible sleep, little exercise, and hunching over Ikea furniture and Christmas wrapping paper. Then as I was getting dressed on Christmas Eve for church I was feeling so dissatisfied and self-conscious of my body. I realized how poorly I’ve been treating it, and the good news is that I’m making it a priority to love and take care of my body in 2018, starting now.

On My Brain

• I’ve been thinking pretty seriously about deleting Twitter. I think it brought more bad than good into my life this year. I’ve been asking myself a lot lately “Is it worth it?” and I’m not sure it is.
• My plan was to scale back my work once we closed on the house, but now I’m looking towards 2018 and all the Disneyland trips we want to take, all the things I want to get for our house, the extra comfort that I can buy with my work. Is it more stressful to have lots of work to do or to have to be more careful & selective about purchases? I dunno. I wish I could see into the future and ask 2018 Danica what she wishes she’d done.
• Remember when I was on the baby train hardcore? I really thought I’d be moving forward for baby #3 right now, but I’m weirdly so not. I’m looking forward to the future with just my two babies and maybe wondering if that’s all I need for 2018. Where I once saw babies all up in my future, now I feel a confidence in sticking with what we have. At least for now. IDK!!!!

I’m happy to have December shuffling slowly behind me. I’m excited to wipe the slate clean and start fresh in my new house for January. December, thanks I guess? You gave me some really happy holidays and for that I am grateful. Just give me a mellow and boring January filled with lots of therapeutic cleaning, please.