Wishing I could have slept through September

Ok for once I feel like I’m saying that September was approximately 42 years long. It feels so weird that our Disneyland trip was only last month. I just feel like so much happened this month and it’s hard for me to keep it all straight in my brain. The last two weeks especially have been, in the words of Andy Bernard, “A festival of poo.” 

My SIL commented yesterday that when it rains, it pours for our family, and she is 100% right. It feels like anytime something goes wrong, the domino effect will make at least 25 other things go wrong too. Not all big things. Sometimes it’s accidentally getting bleach on a brand new dress you love. Or a day where every inanimate object in the world seems out to get you.

I’ll be glad to see the last of September; that’s for sure. And not just because it’s been kind of awful for me. It also means it’s General Conference, I’m halfway through this pregnancy, it’s my birthday month, I can decorate for Halloween, and I survived. October I have been craving you desperately. But at least I can say that September has given me a very full and varied GBOMB.

Good

• I CRUSHED the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I got rid of so much stuff, and I feel SO GOOD. It’s a part of me now, and I’m so proud of myself for that. I had to hit the brakes a little because our hallway was FILLED with trash bags, our garbage can was already full (with like 4 days to go until trash day), and I really didn’t want to make a dump drop. I have a small checklist of things to still go through next week when our trash is emptied again, but it’s going well.
• I read my 3 books with time to spare, and I’m currently reading 2 more that may make it into the September month, or at least October. This is my favorite goal and I’m so glad I set it.
• My blog content was good this month. At least ~I think so. I worked hard, tried to stay ahead, planned and brainstormed, and made it a point to take more pictures. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do with the blog next year – and I think I’ll drop down to 2x a month. But until 2017 dawns I’m going to try to keep turning out good content that challenges me.
• You know how they always say to plan date night? We never do. It’s always like “oh there’s a thing we can’t take Reese to – let’s have my mom watch her and we’ll call that date night.” It’s rarely very date-y. This month we planned ahead and took a nice date night with The Beard’s Tucanos birthday meal and I ~get it now. I was able to look forward to it all week. I planned my outfit, got all dressed up and prettified. It was so much fun! Even though it was just dinner! I think we need to start doing this every month – 1 planned and scheduled date night.
• I loosened my control freak grip on Harry Potter Book Club this month and it was scary but successful. I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and unequal to my own expectations lately, so I’ve been working hard to delegate and not assume responsibility for everything. It was scary, because I knew about a week ahead that it wasn’t going to go the exact way I envisioned. But it ended up being such a fun party and a great lesson to me that not everything has to go precisely the way I see it, and that’s ok.
• I know everyone was talking about the Silver Fox’s talk during Women’s Session (which was so so good and so so empowering to me), but honestly I thought Sister Bingham’s talk was the very best one – and one of the best I’ve ever heard. Bookmarking it 5ever.
• I had an elaborate plan for preparing for General Conference and I’m happy to report (with the exception of cleaning & finishing up work that we’ll be doing today) that I successfully accomplished my goals. That, combined with the stress of the last few weeks, leaves me ready and craving General Conference this weekend.
• We drove the Alpine Loop this week and it seriously felt like a healing balm to my soul. The leaves are breathtaking, and it just makes you feel small and blessed and in awe of the beauty of the earth, ya know? Cheesy but I mean it!

Bad

• I have felt like a really bad mom lately. I can’t pinpoint it but it mostly stems from comparison. I usually like to use comparison to motivate me to do better, but I felt like this month I just kind of wallowed and it made me worse. I need to recommit to a solid schedule for Reese and make sure I’m spending more uninterrupted, fun time with her.
• When things were really hitting the fan last week we decided to go to the temple. “Yeah! The Temple! That will make us feel better and help us reset and solve our problems!” Not even partway through the first sealing I promptly fainted and was caught by The Beard and several old dudes. I woke up on the floor with everyone staring at me, and then had to be wheeled around in a wheelchair and checked by their first aid people. The old guy said we’d be “blessed for our efforts” but it mostly felt like I was blessed with supreme embarrassment and frustration.
• I was finally cleared to work out! And I broke my toe! And here we are a month later and it’s still hurting and swollen! I still forced a few workouts and more regular walking, but CAN I CATCH A BREAK PLZ
• I was feeling so good about my pregnancy weight gain and suddenly it’s like I’m making up for all the weight I didn’t gain in the first trimester.
• I’m reading a natural childbirth book and while it’s mostly really good and eye-opening, it’s kind of freaking me out. I still plan on an epidural, but I’m hoping to be a little more prepared this time around. I’m a little more scared than I was last time – I was so naive.
• We have been in doctor’s offices like 15x this month and if I have to so much as LOOK at another reception desk I will just burst into tears.

On My Brain

• I could not care less about people kneeling for the National Anthem. They’re allowed to do that. They’re trying to bring attention to things that matter. What I DO CARE PASSIONATELY ABOUT is that half of the NFL and a significant portion of NCAA Football players are abusers, rapists, and criminals who get special treatment because they’re very good at some physical task. I really want to tell everyone freaking out about the anthem protests to STFU and start doing some research about the criminals on their favorite NFL teams and start being outraged about something that ACTUALLY MATTERS. The NFL has so many bigger problems than a freaking anthem protest. SMH.
• I have a lot of uncomfy feelings about Joseph Smith, and I don’t think I’m alone in that as a Millennial Mormon. I love the Church, I’m committed to the Gospel, and I just like to not think about Joseph Smith all that much. This talk really gave me some good things to think about and some comfort when it comes to some of those more shaky parts of our history. I still want to study and pray more, and I have a long way to go – but this helped.
• I’m making a concerted effort lately to be more pro-moms, anti-mommy wars. It’s tricky. It’s pervasive. I want to be a mom who supports other moms, and trusts them to make the right decisions for ~them. I loved reading this mom’s article about her elective c-section (while I was simultaneously working my way through a natural childbirth book lol) because I think it helps us all be a little more accepting and well-rounded.
• Baby names are such a weird and tricky thing. The Beard is a big believer in not telling ANYONE any names we like EVER. It’s not about people stealing them – I kind of think that’s stupid. If they aren’t your family, you really shouldn’t care too much. If you only like a name because no one else has it – that’s dumb. Although I do understand the appeal of naming your child something that isn’t the top name of 2016, of course. I, however, want to run names by my best friends for support and opinions, and I hate being like “YEAH WE HAVE A NAME BUT WE AREN’T TELLING ANYONE” because it doesn’t get more pretentious than that. At the same time, I can’t imagine anything worse than telling people the name you LOVE and having them be like “ew!” or “oh…” or “….cute!” And what if the name we love right now ends up being totally hated by the time my water breaks?! I don’t want to tell people and then change our minds, even though we’re allowed to. We have a few that we’re kicking around and liking, but it’s still a weird spot for us so don’t take it personally if we aren’t telling anyone. Hahaha being pregnant is the WEIRDEST.
• Balance, balance, balance. Always on my brain. How do I achieve it? Why do I always feel slightly out of balance? How do I make more time for my baby and family, who are the most important, when the time sensitive obligations of everything else rank higher on urgency? Will I struggle with this forever? Probably.

Just like in August, I feel like I’ve traveled emotional miles in the last month. I feel like a completely different person, and at least some of that is in a good way. Lord beer us strength that this weekend is all I hope and dream and that birthday month can commence with a bang!