Hi Sweetie. Today’s your big day! Don’t worry. It’ll be awesome. Everything goes smoothly and according to plan. You’re happy and excited and content, just as you should be when you’re getting married for the right reasons. It was a beautiful, fun, spiritual, bright, perfect day.

There won’t be a whole lot of surprises. I’m not writing to tell you that he’s secretly gay or he’s gonna break covenants or he likes Tyler Perry movies or anything like that. You guys have known each other for almost 2 years, which is basically a decade in Provo time. You’ve spent plenty of time and holidays and crises together, which makes me very proud of you. There won’t be a whole lot of surprises.

Really what I’m writing to tell you is just what I wish you knew as you started this big journey – there won’t be a whole lot of surprises. He is who he is, and he’ll be who he’ll be. You are who you are, and we’ll be who we’ll be.

I’m not calling you naive. I know that’s the worst thing I could ever call you. I’m not trying to be one of those *seasoned old marital veterans* who keeps saying “MARRIAGE IS WORK!!!!!” and “Enjoy the newlywed phase! ‘twon’t last forever!!!” I mean, they’re right. But that’s such a BS and totally unhelpful way of saying what I want to say to you.

I’m 5 years down the road – the very long and winding road – of eternal marriage, and I think I’m starting to really understand what they meant. I’ll try to communicate it in a way that we understand. Try to trust me. I know you. I am you.

You’re not one of those naive girls who believes that everything will be sunshine and rainbows once you’re married. You aren’t marrying him to solve any problems or to level up. Good job. But I do know that you seem to think that weaknesses, faults, irritations, and bad habits will somehow be eased once married. You know with confidence that Ryan makes you a better person, and that you make him a better person, so naturally you will just both continue to become better people once you’re together all the time in marriage.

Not really, actually. This is what I’m here to tell you. And all engaged/newlywed people. This is the semi-sad but honestly helpful and truthful realization I have had about marriage. Don’t let it discourage you. Please, Danica. Look at this realistically, accept it as truth, and let it make your marriage better.

All of those things you hate (ok that’s strong. ~Dislike) about Ryan? Expect them to get WORSE, not better. Because it will happen, just as all of the things you hate (~dislike) about yourself will amplify and breed in marriage. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. All of the amazing qualities you love about each other slowly become commonplace, regular. Meanwhile the comfort and security of marriage means getting more lax about sucking in and tucking away all of our more embarrassing features and traits.

You are going to get used to the fact that he has friends everywhere you go. The novelty of your sparkly blonde hair will wear off. Music shows are fewer and farther between when you’re married and out of the college scene. Cool Danica can’t stay up watching Netflix until 3 am when she’s a teacher.

The good news? You both know who you married. You didn’t get engaged after 6 weeks and married after 12. You know all of those buggy things about Ryan, and he’s well-versed in all of your most obnoxious qualities. I honestly think that this saves you, time and time again.

You guys are going to have to fight hard for your marriage – I think you suspected as much on this day. You are two very smart, very opinionated, very self-assured people with big personalities and premiums on independence. You love and respect this about one another, and it drew you together. But it’s also going to make little things like cooking dinner and choosing a movie to watch turn into power struggles and civil wars. It’s as dumb as it sounds. You both firmly believe you know what everyone should be doing at every moment, in all circumstances, always. When it comes to other people you are almost always on the same page. When it comes to each other? SURPRISINGLY DIFFERENT.

So here’s how to deal. When you look at him and think “Who even is this? All we do is fight! Why isn’t he all those great things I fell in love with? Why is he all of these awful qualities? Why can’t he just be who I want him to be?!!!”

Take a minute to be grateful that you knew. You knew about the video games. You knew about the pretentious musical opinions. You knew about the ultra-conservative views. You knew about the hairy shedding. You knew about the trust and attachment issues. You knew about all of these things and you chose him anyway.

Just like he knows, today, while you’re standing there glittering in a beautiful white dress with a dazzling smile and charm for every person in the receiving line, that you’re an insufferable know-it-all. You’re a control freak who knows no limits. You talk more than you should and say more than you should. You justify your own imperfections while demanding perfection from everyone around you. You’re self-absorbed, vain, gossipy, and so much more emotional than you’d like to admit. He knows all of that about you, and he chose you anyway.

He’s standing next to you today, when you look and act like the best, most appealing version of yourself. And he’s standing next to you in a year when you don’t get the job you want (after a year of embarrassing and substandard first year teaching) and force him to move. Just like he’s sitting next to you a year after that watching you melt down on I-15 because you just don’t think you can do another week of your current disappointing life. Years later, he’ll be the one to hold your hand and reassure you that you CAN be a mother, when you (and probably plenty of others) doubt it. Even though you boss him around and criticize him constantly and often shunt him down the long list of your priorities, he is there when everyone else in your life is sick of you.

Because he knows who you are and who you will be, and he’s choosing you today despite all of that. I wish I could tell you that five years down the road you’re kinder, smarter, hotter, more selfless… but you aren’t. If anything you’re probably worse in nearly every department! And that is what makes my today somehow more romantic to me than your today.

Today I’m not wearing a timeless white dress like you. Today I’m not smiling and hugging and charming everyone. Today I was in sweats eating a brownie (quietly, or attempting it) on a conference call when Ryan came downstairs with our baby in his arms. He kissed me on the unbrushed head, tickled our baby, and headed off to work. Today he still loves us, with our nagging and stretch marks and pride and judginess and messes and lists.

Today he’s choosing you. He’s choosing bossy. He’s choosing to fall asleep with books in his bed. He’s choosing failed dinners. He’s choosing fifty cycles of The Office. He’s choosing a lifetime of support of all your schemes and plans and clubs and parties. He’s choosing you in a way no one has ever chosen you before, and no one ever will again.

And today you’re choosing him. Choosing all of those things that bug you, and will probably bug us for the rest of our lives, I expect. Five years was hard, and we learned a lot. Probably should have learned even more but we’re stubborn AF it turns out. Five years was also fun, because you don’t have to hide in the shower every time you do something just so ~Danica and awful and unforgivable. You get to sheepishly tell Ryan, he’ll scoff and laugh and hug you and turn on The Office and all will be well. Even when you freak out that he forgot to do the dishes after you asked him 3x.

So try to remember that – he chose you, and you chose him, both fully knowing how much the other person sucks and deciding they’re worth it anyway.

If that’s not romance, I don’t know what is. Happy Wedding Day, D. You guys are about to build something tricky and lasting and great. Be kind to yourself and to him. Marriage is hard. Because all important and good things are. Enjoy today. It’s a magnificent beginning.

Also – Kitty set aside a whole box of your favorite s’mores cupcakes to take on the honeymoon road trip. You forget them. I can never forgive you for this. xoxo Future D.