One of our favorite episodes of Parks & Rec (two Parks & Rec inspired posts in a row geez I’m sorry guys. What a revealing look into my day-to-day life which is mostly spent doing minor tasks while watching Parks & Rec) is the one where Ron starts writing letters to businesses he hates.

Dear Frozen Yogurt,

You are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

Zero Stars

Now, The Beard and Ron Swanson have a lot in common. The Beard would love to turn out just like him. So I shouldn’t be surprised at what came next.

“Did you know I used to do that?”

“… Do what?”

“Write letters to companies when I was pissed about stuff.”

“What?? Like who?”

“Taco Bell.”

Yes. It turns out The Beard wrote a letter to Taco Bell when he was in high school to complain about the 5 Layer Nachos being a lie or something ridiculous like that. At this point in the conversation he started shouting

“OLIVES ARE *NOT* A LAYER!!!!!!!! OLIVES ARE *NOT* A LAYERRRRRRRRR!!!!!”

When I stopped laughing approximately 20 minutes later, I realized how much I love/hate this about The Beard and Ron Swanson. It often drives me crazy that he is so honest and blunt. Sometimes he needs some help with tact, or a reminder that you don’t ALWAYS need to express your critical opinion of something. Like when your wife tries a new shade of lipstick.

But overall I really admire his conviction. The Beard knows what he knows and he knows that he knows it. If you know what I mean. I’m the kind of person who can be easily swayed and can easily put myself in other people’s shoes. I like everything. I frequently walk out of movies saying “I LOVED IT!” only to find that everyone else thought it was complete garbage. And then I’m like “Oh yeah, yeah totally I see that yeah ok yeah.”

It would be nice if I could sign my name to my opinions and just own them, like The Beard and Ron Swanson. If I could write letters to people and companies and just let them HAVE it.  Here goes:

To America’s Best Contacts

I hate you. I used to love you. But now I hate you. Your customer service is garbage. It’s not like I’m trying to order pain pills or cook crystal meth in my basement. They’re CONTACT LENSES for pete’s sake. Just LET ME ORDER WHAT I WANT TO ORDER!!!!!

To the Substitute in my High School Technology Class

Yeah I still remember you. I still remember you making a joke about how “even the blond girl knows that!!!” when I answered a question. You’re a sexist and an a****** and I wish I had been aware enough to confront you. You were a high school substitute whose shoes didn’t match his belt, and a misogynist to boot so I’m pretty confident that I ended up with the upper hand. But still.

To the National Football League

You are breeding criminals, addicts, and menaces to society. Reconsider everything.

To Chipotle

Just add a dollar to everything and stop making guacamole extra. Judas Freaking Priest.

To Girls Who Say They Aren’t Feminists

Yes you are, you just don’t know the definition. Stop trying to be a “cool girl” or a “good Mormon wife.” You don’t have to be a bra-burning activist to agree that the genders aren’t exactly equal and there are things in society that need to change for women to be safer, happier, and better off. Start standing up when you see sexism. Call people out for rape jokes or perpetuating hurtful stereotypes. Take your nose out of the air and be a good person, because I know you actually are one.

To Rancheritos on Center Street

I love you. But when I say “green sauce” I mean ONLY green sauce. Stop giving me this watery red crap. Thanks, C U 2moro xoxo

To Every Mormon, Everywhere

Stop abusing Fast & Testimony meeting. Stop sharing 20 minute long stories. Stop bragging about your service or calling or mission. Share your actual testimony. And if you got up last month you’re on an automatic snooze button until the following month. No more of this every-month-testimony stuff. Every-other at MOST.

To Snapchat

I hate the continuous snap story update. Sometimes I just wanna watch one particular person’s story and be done. But I love all the different filters. My daughter knows how to work them and immediately starts nodding and opening her mouth and raising her eyebrows as soon as I open snapchat. So yeah keep those but ditch the continuous story.

To Bloggers Freaking About Instagram’s Update

The sky is not falling. And you are showing everyone just how vital your social media is to your life. Plz chill. I promise it’s all gonna be ok.

To Cotton On

Why is everything 6 inches too short and 6 inches too wide? I get that you need to supply crop tops to the 17 year olds of California, but the rest of us would like something that didn’t come straight off the costume department of a crappy surfing movie set.

To All Of You

I love you. No complaints for you. I just genuinely love you. Have a great day.

Sincerely,

Danica