You know, this would be a fine one to skip over. It’s not gonna be very good. I am writing this with no sense of direction, no cliff notes, no plan. And it’s 3:40 am so you know that’s a bad sign. I’m gonna try really hard to not whine, or make this come off like a big complainy post to gather all of the attention and sympathy. You can move along now and I’ll be none the wiser. Really I’m just trying to put this into words that my hands and eyes and heart can form and then release them into the universe like a hippy and breathe in all the good energy to move forward. Ohhhhmmmmmmm. Ooooohhhhhhhmmmm.

I’m not doing so great, you guys. I flatter myself that no one can tell, but I’m sure anyone who cares to follow me has noticed I’m a hot mess these days. And I’m not sure what to blame it on, if anything can be blamed at all.

{The Beard got a new job that is, dare I say, even BETTER than the last one. He’s in Orem, working with his brother-in-law and favorite cousin/best friend. He’s commuting less, and home more. We feel very blessed. And I feel incredibly grateful to have back a Ryan who isn’t having his life force drained by the Frontrunner. So while that job search period was stressful – it’s over and we’re super happy. It’s not that.}

I don’t know if it’s this hypothyroidism stuff. I don’t know if it’s depression. I don’t know if it’s the new Instagram update that everyone freaked out about but has in no way even been noticed by me. I don’t know if it’s Reese teething and being the saddest version of herself 8-12 hours a day. I don’t know if it’s the sunshine that came and then went and still hasn’t quite fully returned. I don’t know if it’s that there hasn’t been a new episode of Superstore in weeks or if I just haven’t been watching enough Star Wars. Maybe it’s Donald Trump. I just don’t know, you guys.

I’m generally fine. I don’t want you to get the idea that I’m catatonic in bed all day, unable to take care of myself or Reese. Not the case. I’m functioning and checking stuff off my lists. I am able to enjoy myself and smile and get excited about buying new jumpsuits (!!!!). That’s kind of what makes it suck so bad. Nothing looks externally wrong, and it’s obviously not bad enough to affect my life in a dramatic way. So me and The Beard and Reese and my family and my friends and the whole world has no reason to expect anything other than good ol’ regular Danica.

But she’s not really home right now. And I’m not sure where she went. She checks in briefly from time to time, when I’m listening to an old favorite song, or when I pop a huge bucket of popcorn. It just never feels like she’s back for good, here to stay. I don’t feel depressed. I feel ~not myself. I feel weak. I feel limited. I feel distinctly unDanica.

I guess I want part of this to be an apology, too. I’m sorry guys. I set this precedent of being Danica, and then I just wasn’t. Plans fell through. Harry Potter Book Club limps along. My blog has felt forced and dry. My house is a mess. My Primary calling has suffered. I haven’t been as fun or cool or kind or Danica as I should be. I’m mostly fine, but I know I’ve fallen short in many areas and it sucks. No excuses.

{And yes, I realize most of this can be attributed to hypothyroidism. I agree with you. I’ve been on the medication for 6 weeks and hated every single day of it. I go tomorrow for a reassessment and I will be totally honest with my doc. Still. No excuses. I have agency and should have tried harder and sorted out my priorities better.}

I refuse to be controlled by this. I refuse to be unDanica. I’ve waited patiently for her return and since she hasn’t come back yet… I’ll just have to go find her.

How am I going to do that? By heading to all her favorite haunts
Follow Danica Holdaway’s board This is Danica on Pinterest.

This pinterest board that contains things which speak to her soul

Painting my nails her favorite black

Sodalicious. Any time I want it.

The Office Season 2

At Harry Potter Book Club with some of the best people she knows

Wearing blazers

Reading books with Reese in her nursery

Using too many “That’s What She Said” jokes

The Indie Pop Spotify playlist

Creating my own custom Bullet Journal (MUCH EXCITE)

Staying up too late and napping in the middle of the afternoon

But most of all getting ready for Easter, going back to basics of daily prayer & scripture study, and preparing for General Conference the next two weekends. There’s only one person who can make me whole. And it’s not the guy who hands me my 32 oz Diet Coke with lemon wedges through the drive up window.