I sat here looking at a blank draft for 10 minutes trying to think of what I would write for my GBOMB. But all that came was how bugged I was at basically everyone, including myself. But mostly those second-level friends. You know who I mean. The ones who you don’t really hang out with in real life but you have to stay social media friends with them because you have so many mutual friends, or you see them enough that it would be weird to unfollow.
The Beard doesn’t understand these friends. Whenever I roll my eyes at a post or read him some ridiculous tweet he basically thunders at me that I need to unfollow and why would I let this into my life???? He doesn’t get it. It’s a girl/Utah/mom/blogger thing. Although I probably would do better to listen to him.
Because I can’t take it any more, you guys. I just can’t. It’s something that has always existed and always made me crazy, but for some reason there’s been so many poignant and inexcusable offenses lately that I can’t let it go.
SHUT UP ABOUT HOW TIRED YOU ARE.
SHUT.
UP.
This isn’t one of those things where I spout off about how you shouldn’t do this because *iiiii* am SO MUCH more tired than you and it can’t even compare and I’m gonna one-up you until the end of time. I know that’s not the case. And I believe you. You are tired. You’re exhausted.
Because you’re an adult. And so are we. And this is life.
Growing up is really just progressing through successive stages in which we finally accept that level of exhaustion as the norm.
As teenagers you stay up late, wake up early, eat like crap and do stupid stuff. You’re tired.
As young adults you stay up late, stress about school and work, date, marry, and make huge life decisions. You’re tired.
As a pregnant woman you literally grow another person within you, all while carrying on normal life, and carrying around extra weight, and dealing with the weirdest slew of symptoms. You’re tired.
As a new parent you’re navigating strange waters and midnight feedings and two-hour sleep cycles. You’re tired.
As a family you’re balancing work and home, kids in different stages of life who all need your attention, and the daily struggles of “am I doing this right? Am I screwing them up? Will they be good people? When’s the last time I cleaned the bathroom?” You’re tired.
As a *real* adult you worry about sending your kids into the real world, mortgages, retirement, financial planning, callings, and your health. You’re tired.
As an elderly person you’re exhausted from watching Fox News all day and yelling about Hillary Clinton. You’re tired.
WE ARE ALL TIRED. And if you’re not tired you’re either a liar or you’re about to start spouting off about some amazing diet or workout plan or MLM product so either way kindly go stick your head in the sand.
I believe you. I really do. But you have to stop saying it. You have to stop posting it. You have to stop using every opportunity to share just how tired you personally may be. And I have 3 main reasons why, because my English teachers taught me how to write a 5-paragraph essay.
#1 – Contention
The very first thing it does when you say it – it causes contention. Instantly, no matter who you are or what you meant to do, a person reading your complaint is going to think about how they or someone they know has it so much worse. Don’t act like you haven’t seen it.
“Oh yeah I know how that is! Today I had to ______ and then _______ and then _______!!!”
“Same! Soooooo Tired!!!!”
“Try it once you have a kid!” or “Wait till you have 3!!!!”
Congratulations. We’re all going to out-tired one another. I think the underlying thing is the lack of empathy. I don’t think we need to always be happy just because someone else has it worse than us, just like we shouldn’t limit our happiness because there will always be someone happier. You’re tired; I’m tired. It may be more or less, it might just be different. But the moment you post it or proudly declare it – people will assume you’re saying you’re more tired than them or that your life/work/schedule is inherently more important and more valid than theirs. I’m not saying they’re right. I’m just saying they think it.
Our first night in the hospital with Reese was a dream for me. I had this perfect, unicorn new baby. I would snuggle her up to me and nap for 20 minute stretches, or lay her in my lap and browse social media and eat snacks. I fed her and changed her diaper and took probably 50 pictures of her in the semi-darkness, all while Ryan snored away on the foldout-couch/bed. I LOVED that night. At no point did I want to wake Ryan up or ask for help. I didn’t need it and definitely didn’t want to share her. The sun came up, nurses came in and out, and finally it was almost a joke that he was STILL ASLEEP. Finally he woke up, ate some breakfast, held the baby, and then when I suggested that we send Reese to the nursery so I could nap a little he said “Ugh yeah. I’m exhausted. I could really use a nap.”
Cue mushroom cloud. Not really, it wasn’t that bad. But I was kind of super pissed. Not only have I been pregnant for the last 9 months and just delivered a baby, but I also watched you sleep uninterrupted on that couch for almost 8 hours while I slept MAYBE an hour total over the course of the night!!!!!! Never mind that I seriously felt fine about it and wouldn’t have changed a thing. It felt like he wasn’t appreciating MY exhaustion. And you know what? I wasn’t appreciating his. He was more stressed in that last week than I was, and he’d slept far less. Plus The Beard is not one of those people who functions well on sub-prime sleep. He was hunched on that horrible couch/bed in shallow, crappy sleep after what he describes as “the worst day of his life.” He’s exaggerating. But it was really traumatic for him. (LOL) He WAS tired. And so was I.
This is what it does. Instant comparison and contention. Whether it was intended or not.
2. Validation
Now this one. Ew. This one. THIS is the one that drives me right up the wall. I think this is the main reason people post about being tired. They really just want validation.
“I was up ALLLLL NIGHT studying for this final – I better pass!” is actually “I know I’m not working as hard in school as I should be but this is compensation so that I feel good and that everyone else thinks I’m a *real* college student.”
“I am so sorry I won’t be able to ________ thing that I promised I’d do because I haven’t slept in days and I’m just SO TIRED!” is often “I don’t want to do this thing and I’m flaking!!!!!”
“I would be able to date more/exercise more/read more/clean the house but I’m just TOO EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME” is unfortunately just “Those things aren’t my priority and staying up reading Buzzfeed articles on my phone until 2 am is more important than getting the sleep I need to function and do those things.”
“Today I worked Job and then helped my friend with Other Thing and then did Optional Recreational Things For Which I Signed Up and now I’m just so tired I need to watch Netflix all weekend!” usually means “I’m really tired and feeling some guilt/concern that maybe I need to change things so I’ll just post this and hope a bunch of people leave comments that make me feel like everything I’m doing is right so I can ignore this feeling and keep doing what I’m doing in peace.”
“We didn’t make it to church because we were just too tired! Things have been crazy.” Nope. You just don’t want to go to church. It’s ok. But don’t blame it on being tired. (I do this.) (I’m the worst.)
Do you notice how really good moms are never the ones posting about how their kid is always sick or that they were up all night with them? Not that you’re a bad mom if you post it! I’ve noticed the moms I respect will mention it or even post something about their sick kid – but they NEVER send out the vibe that they’re looking for validation. They’re NEVER looking for a “Ohhhh you are such a good mom!” or “Poor you!!!” Most of the moms I see posting constantly about sick kids and being up all night with them are the girls who would complain all the time about studying so hard for tests or how they had to work through their lunch break that day. Boo-hoo?
I’m gonna say this once, and I’m gonna say it loud.
NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE YOU A GOLD STAR FOR BEING TIRED. BEING TIRED IS NOT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT OR EVEN DESERVING OF AN AWARD.
You’re a freaking adult. We all are. And we’re all tired. I hope you tired yourself out doing awesome things. Or noble things. Or parenting things. I hope you are satisfied with your efforts.
But if you’re not? Posting about it, loudly declaring it over dinner, whining about it to anyone other than your immediate friends/family… that’s not gonna make you feel better about being tired. If you’re tired and don’t like it – it’s time for you to change something. And it’s time for you to stop talking/posting/whining about it. Because… reason #3.
3. It’s Obnoxious AF
And we’re all sick of it. Boring. Tough. We’re all tired, and you’re not a special little snowflake for needing a nap.
Post about what you LEARNED getting that tired. Talk about how lucky you are to have such an awesome job, even if it’s demanding. Ask other people about themselves, or find a way to serve and compliment them. I guarantee you that you will feel so much better than if you spent that time lamenting your fatigue.
And I SWEAR TO J.K. ROWLING if you EVER complain about waking up early for a flight to a tropical vacation destination I will personally gouge out your eyes with those colorful little drink umbrellas.
I have got to stop saying so many different idol-worshipping things about JK Rowling and Harry Potter in general.
EXCEPTIONS: You just ran a marathon, had a baby in the last month, dealt with the death of a loved one, had surgery or a major injury, or anything involving police in the middle of the night. You may post one (1) thing about your exhaustion but then you are expected to pull yourself together and get back on the tired wagon with the rest of us.
Forgive me for another blunt, mean blog post. I’m just saying what you’re all thinking though, right? In a much harsher way than you ever would. But you knew who I was when you subscribed. XOXO Gossip Girl.
17 thoughts on “Shut Up About Being Tired”
SO MUCH YES. I’m sitting here with my arms in the air like I’m in a southern church service. “Praise!!!”
I’m 100% guilty of this but bless you for calling us “tired” people out in the sassiest way. I laughed out loud, as per usual. 😘😴
YEEASS! Danica is BACK! Like I said, I will always enjoy whatever you write, but your rants are so much gold. What’s funny is I wrote something similar to this a few years back, something about 5 things people will never ever feel sorry for you for because WE ALL DEAL WITH IT. Too tired, too busy, too stressed, no money and potty training is hard, haha. We all deal so we don’t care!
AMEN! We’re all tired. No one cares. No one is going to sweep into your life and take away all of your responsibilities and exhaustion. PRAAAAAIIISE!
You’re right. We ARE all tired. Everyone of us. We’re all human. We all go through a laundry list of emotions and feelings. Highs and lows. But what people decide to post about is frankly none of your business. If I want to say I’m tired that is the way I feeling and you have NO RIGHT to tell me how to feel or who I choose to tell it to. Maybe you should take a break from social media and all of those fake friendships you yourself admit that you have, if you have such a hard time with people using their personal social media accounts to express their honest feelings and emotions. Unless people are posting to your personal accounts that they’re tired, happy, excited, devastated, thrilled, etc. I suggest you get off your high horse and stop telling anyone other than yourself how to feel.
tried to leave a comment earlier, and I am not sure why it didn’t post. I didn’t save it, so I will try to remember what I said. Anyway, I really get what you are trying to say about people complaining about being tired and having sick kids. It gets old, and it can be negative. I totally get that. I agree with the whole competition thing as well. Everyone is tired, we all have sick kids. However, had I read this post when I was 6 months post partum with my first child (who is now 3) I would have been absolutely crushed. I suffered/suffer from post partum depression. My first child was not easy. He still isn’t. But he never slept, he hated eating, cried ALL the time. He had food allergies and was very colicky. He wasn’t happy ever. He didn’t like to be held and could not be calmed down. I was so exhausted. I knew what I was getting myself into, but I was not prepared to have a baby like that, and I was not prepared to deal with the PPD. I had to tell people I was tired, because I NEEDED someone out there to help me not feel so alone. I wasn’t trying to compete, or make people feel bad for me either. I just needed to know that I wasn’t alone. Because some of those nights where I could not get my baby to calm down were some of the lowest times in my life. It helped me feel a little more like everyone else, when I knew other people could relate to how tired I was. I have a 6 month old now, who is an entirely different baby from my first. He is a lot happier than my first baby, but I am still tired. We all are. I guess I just worry that there might be someone out there who is in the same place I was in 3 years ago, that will read this, who is struggling big time with finding someone to relate to, and then feel like a total wimp for reaching out. I think you are a really good writer Danica. I have enjoyed a lot of your posts. But I feel like this is sort of in a way Mommy Shaming/bullying. I feel like you could use your platform and talent for something so much more positive than this. You have a way with words, why not use them to help people, or lift people up? I really am not trying to start a fight or debate here. I respect your opinion, and believe you should be able to say what you want to say. I just really think you are better than this though. It left me feeling sad. In fact it has really stuck with me all day. I know you can’t please everyone with your writing, but if you knew what you were saying was snarky and bitchy ( your words, not mine) then why say it? What kind of example are we setting for our children? That its okay to post things like this? But it’s not okay to say that we are tired? Which one hurts people more? I just don’t understand why it needed to be written. I don’t understand why it bothers you so bad that you felt the need to dedicate a whole entire post to it. I just wish as mothers, we could all support each other more. Lift each other up. Not find things that bug us so much and then make those people feel awful for ever having said something even close to what you have posted about. Anyway, no hard feelings here. Just had to get it out there and maybe offer a different perspective. I just worry that there could be someone out there really upset about this, and I want them to know they aren’t alone, and if they are struggling with something more than just being tired, I hope they know they aren’t alone. Also, I am sorry for all the grammatical errors and typos. I am trying to feed a baby and have a toddler crawling all over my back as I type this.
Also, it wouldn’t let me post a comment anywhere but on a reply to someone else’s comment. Not sure if why? Sorry about that.
You (yourself) have the right to post what you want. (Apparently. You wrote this). Perhaps you should let others have that same right. Seems to me that Moms and women should lift each other up. Not tear each other apart. Your obvious writing talent is wasted on things like this. Heaven forbid that you may one day need the support of these so called “fake friendships”. You may find yourself all alone. Social Media is a Beast. It is in and of itself, a fake world. Fake Friendships. Fake Perfect Moments. Fake Perfect BB’s. Fake Perfect Lives. Fake Happiness. You just proved that. In a world where we are trying to teach our children not to be bullies or prevent them from being bullied, this seems extremely insensitive. Being “Snarky” is maybe just a cute, clever way to justify being mean. It’s not very funny sometimes. I personally was extremely offended. As well as many of my friends and your friends who read this and are afraid to comment.Now that you know that you offended at least one person, I hope you re-think things. If you are okay with knowing that, then I am truly sad for you. Being kind is very easy. You might try keeping the mean things to yourself. The amount of time and effort that you obviously put into writing this was ill spent. It could have been time spent building people up. Or playing with your daughter and staying off of Social Media. I hope your beautiful little baby is never hurt by something like this. Like mine just was. It will break your heart.
Wow! I honestly feel bad for your husband. I hope you get raging diarrhea every time you complain about something. This bitch rant, disguised as a blog post, has made me so angry my heart is pounding. Do us all a favor and STFU.
If you going to leave a nasty comment like this then at least be brave enough to leave you name! What a COWARD! I don’t feel bad for anyone but you!
Narcassists ‘tend to lack empathy, so they don’t realise the impact that their remarks or behaviours have on their targets’.
Yep. Pretty much sums this post up. Hope you sleep well tonight. I wouldn’t want you to be too tired.
I thought it was pretty universal that it’s annoying as all hell to bitch and moan about how exhausted you are on a daily basis, but I guess not!!! Apparently there are plenty of people who want to hear others rant about how they are “Just so tired that they can’t follow through with anything ever”. OBVIOUSLY, it is healthy for people with debilitating and rough circumstances to reach out for empathy and help, and that’s CLEARLY not what Danica’s referring to here. It’s when people go on and on about the tolls of DAILY NORMAL ADULT living that you want to gouge their eyes out. If you’re legitimately posting about your situation with the intention of seeking advice and help, that’s great! That’s what social media should be used for! But, if you’re only posting to complain, seek validation that your life is just as awful as you’re trying to make it seem, or one-up others for having a more hectic life than they do then NOBODY wants you on the internet. In those situations, people are not commenting to be sincere, they’re commenting because they feel obligated to, but they’re definitely rolling their eyes behind the screen.
Also, EVERYONE has people on social media that they are obligated to follow, even if they aren’t *really* friends with them. Deny it all you want, haters, but there’s NO WAY you’re sincerely close with all 562 Facebook friends you have. And it’s usually those “friends of friends of friends” or you’re crazy long-distance relatives that are the crazy ones posting this shiz.
I know Danica in real life and she is the sweestest, most loyal, kind, understanding, hilarious, honest, and true person out there. But she also doesn’t take crap and will tell you to your face if she thinks you’re being ridiculous or if she disagrees with you. She doesn’t hide behind anonymity and would never, ever, EVER write anything close to some of the awful comments that were written about her here on another person’s blog- anonymous OR straight up.
Gah, I just found a “you’re, your” mistake, and I promise I know my grammar! See?? We all make mistakes that we didn’t even realize were there originally.
Nichole…Girl, AMEN. Seriously. If anyone actually knows Danica, they would know she is the most EMPATHETIC, KIND, and THOUGHTFUL person there is. When I was about to have a baby she brought me a HUGE box of stuff for the hospital, for the baby, for my 3 year old, for my fridge, and a pack of diet coke. I literally will start crying if I think about how generous and loving she is because THAT IS HOW GREAT SHE IS. If you actually know Danica (or read her blog on a regular basis because she keeps it real on here), you also know she’s sassy and witty (Big heart, bigger butt!) and this post was a fun rant that we talk about all the time, it started when a girl we knew would never study during the semester and then complain at finals who she’s so TIRED from studying all night long. Anyway, obviously if you are having a hard time and were to open up honestly about it, she would understand. Heck, I’ve done that probably ten times to her recently with my new baby. That is not what she is talking about here. So, to all the anonymous TROLLS out there, shame on you!
Woah! I always love these hot topic issues! And I don’t think you are mommy shaming although i can see how new moms may feel extra sensitive about the issue. College kids who pull all nighters bc they didnt study when they should have i have no sympathy for.
I don’t care too much when people say they are tired but that’s because I am one of those people who are not often tired. I have too much energy and it’s annoying. I will say tho the thing that drives me crazy is the ” I am so busy! ” I do it too all the time and it drives me nuts so I am consciously trying to stop. Yes we’re all busy. We chose to be this busy. For me the busy comment feels like the tired comment does to you- like some kind of competition of who works the hardest/ is the best/ who deserves the most praise. The glorification of busy. Or the glorification of tired. ( I do think moms of new babes get a pass on the tired comments for at least six months to a year because waking up four times in the middle of the night and then having to get up to go to work at 630 the next morning is some serious tired shit even by my standards!)
Here’s what I think…
When people are saying they are tired, it’s because they really are tired. Kids are exhausting, and some of us needs outlets and people to talk to that we can relate with. It’s called empathy, and that’s how people CONNECT. “Hey I’m tired!” “Me too” let’s talk about in so we can connect and HELP each other. In other countries, they use sleep deprivation as a form of a TORTURE, so yes it’s okay to complain when you’re tired. It’s okay to feel the most exhausted you ever have. It’s okay to complain, and then to realize it will get better. Let’s stop having unrealistic expectations of women and parenting.
One more thing….
The worst possible thing you could tell someone suffering with post partum or depression is to stop complaining. Just a thought.