Obviously with Reese’s first birthday approaching on Wednesday (yes we had her party on Saturday and it was THE BEST) I have had that amazing week on the brain. I seriously can’t help but smile when I think about it. As I’ve tried to help my sister-in-law prepare for her new baby and I’ve tried to help out after the baby arrives I’ve realized some of these things you just can’t SAY when people offer “Well If there’s anything I can do…” but I can. So I will say them for you, new moms.

We know when you guys say “Can I come over and help out?” what you mean is “I’m going to come over and fawn over your new baby!!!!!!!!!”

That’s nice! We appreciate and love that you love our baby! Here’s the thing though: That’s what WE want to do. We don’t really want to “hand the baby to you so we can take a shower.” Newborns sleep quite a bit, so if we really need to shower we can do that. If we want to nap, we will nap with the baby. The things that keep us from sleeping or showering when we have the chance is the other responsibilities around us that feel more demanding or embarrassing. We don’t need you to hold the baby; we need you to give us a hand with the other crap.

How to REALLY Help a New Mom

• Do a load of dishes for her.
• Dust or wipe down her main floor living areas/kitchen
• Shovel their snow, rake their leaves, weed their garden, mow their lawn (according to season, obvs)
• Take out the trash full of newborn tiny diapers
• If the baby is awake – vacuum
• Take their dog for a walk
• Play with older siblings, or better yet – take them out for a play date!
• Switch or fold her laundry

This should be required for anyone who just wants to come over and hold a new baby. 1 chore = baby time.

I know this sounds a little harsh or b*tchy and I’m sorry about that. I bear you no ill will. We WANT you to love our babies. We honestly are so deeply grateful at your willingness to serve. The problem is just that we feel weird saying “yeah I’m still pretty sore and messed up so hauling around the vacuum super hurts” and “actually I do need someone to lean over the sink to do dishes/over the washer and dryer to do laundry because of my C-section stitches” and “I’m just so tired and I just want to sit here with my baby and will you please clean my bathroom?”

Here’s the other thing: When people come over and hold our baby we just want to sit and watch you hold our baby. Yes in THEORY we could go clean the bathroom while you’re doing that, but we don’t want to/can’t because we’re too tired and sore. And we definitely don’t want to go shower or take a nap unless you’re our mom or big sister. Its not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that we literally just birthed this human into the world and come on I don’t really need to explain that to you, do I?

This means that when people come over we

A. Have to make sure we are at least a little presentable, which is sometimes not what we really want to do.

B. Have to make sure our living room/kitchen is at least a little presentable, which is definitely not what we want to do

C. Have to sit right there and talk with them, which is honestly so great! Human interaction is really nice in those early days. BUT nothing else is getting done during that time, no matter how much they say “go shower!” or “go nap!” Nah.

THIS IS TOTALLY FINE AND NOT SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT. Just something to think about and be aware of. Deep down you know this. You’ve been there and done this. If we tell you to come over we recognize this and have decided you are worth it. You care about this new mom and this new baby, right? The best way to show it is to do something we REALLY need, and THEN fawn over our baby.

Now let’s talk about food. Chances are you were planning on bringing some. You’re so nice! Here are a few thoughts and ideas for you to consider so you can be EVEN MORE OUR FAVORITE PERSON.

How to Do Meals for a New Mom

• If you’re gonna bring dinner – consult beforehand. Chances are between their ward, parents, and other friends they probably have a few different people being charitable AF. Just check in or better yet – ASK when you could bring a dinner.
• Bringing a freezer or non-perishable meal is AWESOME because they might not need it that day, but they can use it when they really need it.
• Don’t forget about breakfast or lunch! My mom made me a giant fruit salad and a giant pasta salad just to have on hand and it was so nice for random grazing or other meals during the day.
• Maybe don’t even bring a meal! Show up with snacks! I’ve got news for you: nursing moms love snacks. Especially something like fresh fruits or veggies that don’t need any prep work. They probably aren’t headed to the grocery store for perishables, so if you showed up with a bag of grapes, some apples, a veggie tray… big hit. I promise.
• Drinks! If you know her Sodalicious order show up with a big one of those or a case of her favorite soda. My cousin brought me a smoothie and it was so thoughtful and delicious.
• Call her and tell her you’re headed to the grocery store first and demand that she give you a few things off her grocery list to buy and bring over. Don’t fall for that “Oh no we’re fine!” because everyone can use milk or crackers or a carton of Ben & Jerry’s. Sweep in with that juice she was really craving or that toilet paper they were about to run out of and BE A HERO.

And finally. Let’s talk about your behavior. You are a super nice person. You care about this new mom and this tiny little baby. So please don’t forget that her hormones are an unpredictable roller coaster over which she has little to no control and for which she should not be held accountable. I have made you a handy list of rules which you should follow for your own safety.

Rules for Visiting New Moms

1. For the love of ALAN RICKMAN show up ON TIME! There’s a reason this is RULE NUMBER ONE. Her life has just been turned upside down. Nursing is weird and sometimes her boob is out and even doing little regular things becomes this whole ordeal. Show up when you say you’re gonna show up. She probably put on some clothes. Maybe even makeup. Maybe she even cleaned up her living room a little bit. She could even be scheduling multiple visitors throughout the day around her nursing schedule because her name is Danica and she’s a psychopath. Don’t show up early, late or GOD FORBID UNANNOUNCED. Come exactly when you said you would, even if that means sitting in your car for ten minutes or calling her to let her know you’ll be 4 minutes late. Trust me. She needs that.
2. Don’t make her ask you to wash/sanitize your hands. Just go do it immediately.
3. If you are sick or even feeling slightly under the weather, or anyone who lives in your household is – DO NOT GO INTO A HOME WHERE THERE IS A NEW BABY. Do not be that guy. Wait until you’re feeling better.
4. Do not bring an entourage. Especially not small children. The first moment of real hormonal panic I experienced was because Reese was being passed around through several people and my chest literally started to constrict. Even being around a larger group (4-6 people lol!) immediately upped my stress level – and they were my family! It seems irrational but PLEASE. Don’t.
5. ALWAYS talk to the mom first. She is a person, too. She just did an incredible thing and it was traumatic and hard.
6. Tell her how amazing she looks and did she really JUST have a baby? and she’s such a beautiful new mom.
7. Do a chore. See above.
8. DO NOT SHARE ANY HORROR STORIES ABOUT NEWBORNS WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS WHY WHY
9. You may be an aunt of 20 nieces and nephews. You may have 4 of your own kids. You may be a complete pro. You may understand that newborns are not made of glass. But you may NOT walk around with the newborn baby or continuously change it’s position. Sit yourSELF down and hold that baby like it is the most fragile and precious thing in the world.
10. Excuse yourself long before you wear out your welcome. Everyone loves to hold a newborn baby! They’re so cute and sleepy and heavenly! Giving them up is hard. But keeping your visit short and respectful will ensure good will and the promise of future visits. Please be respectful of the new mom’s time and energy. If she really wants you to hang around she will tell you so. But most of the time she’ll be exhausted and close to tears and hoping you’re not planning to stay for another half an hour.
11. Don’t forget about her and the baby weeks and months down the road. In a month she will be feeling much more stable and on top of things, and she may actually be feeling a little bored or lonely. She may need that laundry help more than ever! Give her a call a month or two later and see if she wants to meet up for lunch, or if you can come help out for an hour or two. I’ve got news for you – that baby has gotten even cuter and more reactive and the mom will be less hormonal and even happier to see you. PRO TIP.

The bottom line: This isn’t about you. And it really isn’t even about the baby. It’s about that new mom and this crazy, beautiful, unpredictable, love-filled life in which she has recently found herself. You can’t predict or explain hormones or the insane influx of love and responsibility she has now. But you can be considerate and gentle and loving. Take it easy on those new moms. Do a chore, bring a snack, and hold that new baby like it’s made of eggshells. We will love you so so much for it.