Can I get real for a second? There’s something we need to talk about. And it’s teenagers.

I know, I know. Teenagers are terrifying. They’re the worst. They’re disrespectful, think they know it all, and are under the influence of that terrifying beast – PUBERTY. Believe me. I understand more than most. Which is why I’m here to say – STOP BEING DICKS TO TEENAGERS.

Sorry I should have said that. Well, I shouldn’t have said it LIKE that. But I don’t regret saying it. Because we have GOT to stop crumming on teenagers (and millennials, don’t forget my age group in this, even if we’re not official teens anymore). We just have to.

You know that stupid photo series that went viral where they photoshopped the phones out of every image? I’m not even gonna link to it because I don’t want to give it any more publicity. That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Let’s photoshop the pants off everyone to show how obsessed we are with pants! Let’s photoshop the wheels off of every car! Let’s photoshop the spoons out of these pictures of people eating cereal! It’s seriously the dumbest thing in the entire world and it made me furious to see all these people sharing it.

Not a week later I was at my moms and the feature sensationalist piece of “journalism” was a study about teens spending like 9 hours a day on their phones. They even used that other viral post of a bunch of teenagers in, like, The Louvre or something with some art behind them but they were all looking at their phones. They had a bunch of “experts” talking about how teens were decreasing their interaction, doing all kinds of cyberbullying, don’t know how to read, blah blah blah.

Now don’t get me wrong. I was with teenagers all day, every day, for four years. AND I was trying to get them to do a bunch of stuff they hate – reading, writing, picking up trash, act out scenes about Lewis & Clark. I can speak from a place of authority here, kind of. Are there some kids who spend WAYYYYYYY too much time on their phones? Yeah for sure. Is cyberbullying a problem? Absolutely it is! Do games and apps and social media get in the way of their homework and learning? Certainly!

BUT YOU LISTEN TO ME, GRUMPY ADULTS WHO GET PISSED ABOUT PUNK A** TEENS AND THEIR NEW-FANGLED DEVICES!!!!!!!!

You are a big part of this problem. Yeah. You. You right there.

There’s this fun thing that seems to happen with every generation where they complain about the rising generation – they’re lazy, they’re stupid, they’re unappreciative, they’re sassy, they’re entitled. And you know what? They might be. But didn’t your parents and grandparents say similar things about you, or at least to you? Yeah, they did. It’s been proven over and over again. Now you have the opportunity to step right into their cranky, judgmental orthotics or to lace up some tolerance tennis shoes.

ANECDOTE: The Beard teaches the 16-18 year old Sunday School class in our ward. Those kids love him, and he does such an amazing job. He’s open and frank with them. He lets them ask questions and discuss things. He lets them be on their phones, but they still all attend and participate in the lesson every. single. week. I wish I could go to his class because I think he’s doing some amazing things for them, and they’re doing amazing things themselves! Last week a member of the bishopric joined his class. He came in late, which is whatever, but then he interrupted The Beard after a few minutes. He completely stopped the discussion they had going to chastise all the kids for having their phones out. Every single one of the kids had participated in the class up to that point, and many of them had been using their phones to look up scriptures. And if a few kids were shooting a text here and there… Ryan didn’t really mind. They were still engaged and present. But at this point they were embarrassed, uncomfortable, mad, shutting down. It completely ruined the Spirit and derailed the lesson. The dude was just trying to help Ryan, and increase the Spirit, I’m sure. But he just didn’t get it.

In case you weren’t aware of this general human condition – if you criticize someone THEY DON’T LIKE YOU. And I agree that you should be more worried about your kids turning out well than them liking you. Definitely agree. Strongly agree. Don’t be that mom. But you also attract more flies with honey than vinegar. What a stupid analogy, though, because who wants to attract flies? Dumb. Here’s the point: I can’t tell you how many times (at parent teacher conferences, restaurants, Disneyland a few weeks ago) I watched a parent very critically tell their kid to put their phone away and “participate” or “join us” or “be part of the family.” The cool thing about this is that not only did you express disappointment or dislike towards them, you also bossed them to stop doing something they obviously were enjoying – which they love!!!!!!!! And finally, you are inviting them to interact with you after doing this.

You may have the best of intentions. You may just want to connect with your teen. You may just want to create memories and experiences in real life so they aren’t only an online, artificial person. I feel you. I really do. They should put down the phone and experience LIFE! But here is what is happening in your teen’s head.

I’m uncomfortable/bored/being ignored/uninterested/feeling self-conscious. I can avoid this by texting my friends/reading twitter/playing a game. (Whether they should be uncomfortable, bored, feeling ignored, self-conscious or disinterested is beside the point. You can disagree but it won’t change that they feel that. Don’t argue with me.)

This is fun. I’m avoiding the discomfort/boredom/family members who don’t like me/nerves and at the same time I’m creating an online presence that makes me feel safe and important. (Again, how they feel is what matters here, regardless of what you may think of their reality.)

Now my dad is yelling at me to put away my phone and talk to them. Yeah. Ok. Ignore me for hours and make me come to something I don’t even like and then make me put my phone away and talk to you about stuff that doesn’t interest me. Cool. Exciting. Great. Yeah tell me more about Aunt Marilyn’s new car. Super interested. (Yep, this is a punk teenager. But you need to look past the snark and angst and see that they feel ignored and misunderstood.)

Now I’m sitting here, purposely NOT participating in this stupid conversation or family event, AND I’m mad at my parents AND I want nothing more than to pull my phone back out and stomp off to my room and slAM MY DOOR BECAUSE I’M A TEENAGER!!!!!!! 

Parents. Friends. Church leaders. Coaches. Anyone who deals with teens on a regular basis. Please. For their sake and yours… listen. You may be right. But if you continue going about it like this then the teenagers in your life WILL hate you. And, like, the ball’s in your court. But try this.

“Hey Bella? I have a question. Is it cool or not cool to like Justin Bieber?” (lame but guaranteed to elicit a response)

“Oh JJ – tell me how that test went!”

“Maddy what game is that? I need a new game to play when I’m waiting for stuff.”

“Who are you talking to Owen? Tell me about them.” 

Show some interest in their life. Phones are SO COOL! The internet is SO COOL! Apps and games are SO COOL! Don’t hold that against them. Use it! You don’t have to be the cool mom or the super tech-savvy dad. But if you treat the phone, apps and internet as an enemy it WILL become your enemy. And I got bad news for you. You’re gonna lose that battle.

Phones allow us to be everywhere in the world. We can access anything and everything. We can learn all kinds of cool information and share our lives with people. Don’t act so repulsed that we want to be on them all the time. Unless our real lives are crazy interesting at the moment it’s pretty hard not to find something cooler on our devices.

Be more interesting. Be more real. Be more worthwhile.

Teens are smart. They are so much more racially and culturally sensitive than we were at that age. They are quick to fact-check, learn things they want to know and are sensitive and loving. Get to know them. Talk to them. Accept their phone as part of their life and use it to your advantage. When they’re on it, realize that they are on it for a purpose and try to meet their needs. Set clear rules and boundaries – but don’t do it WHILE they’re using the device. Have an open discussion with them about phones and the internet. Share your feelings and expectations in an honest way, treating them like an equal. Make sure to ask them how they feel and what they think is reasonable. I think you’ll be surprised at how mature and understanding most teens are when they feel heard.

Teenagers are people too. And the meanest ones are the ones who need the most love. Don’t make the phone your enemy. Don’t snap at them to put their phones away in public. You do that and you lose them.

Stop telling us to get off our phones. Stop sharing articles that shame millennials. Stop grumbling about apps and the internet.

If you want your kid to have communication skills YOU need to communicate. If you want your kid to have the self-awareness of when it’s appropriate/inappropriate to be on their phones YOU need to discuss it with them. If you want your kid to enjoy the beauties of life and relationships YOU need to create a beautiful life and relationship WITH them.

Do it for them. Do it for you! Do it so the eye-rolling stops.

We all need a little less eye-rolling, am I right?