It’s 1 am and I can’t sleep. Stressin. How are you? Probably not great. What am I saying? You’re God. You’re fine. But you’re our dad. You still get frustrated and worried and concerned, right? Of course you do. Because you’re all-powerful and all-knowing and all-loving.

What are you thinking right now? “This is a mess.” “I love all these guys but… MAN.” “It’s gonna be ok.” “Only a few more days…” ????????

I can’t imagine this stuff is fun. It kind of helps me to remember that this isn’t the first time there’s been such contention and drama, and it won’t be the last. Does it get easier for you to watch? Harder?

I try to imagine how you feel and what you’re thinking. And mostly I come up with sadness and understanding frustration. You have children leaving and children long gone. You have children against you, cheering and delighting in the contention and coverage. You have children for you, doubting and scared. You have children fighting in your name but doing so in a flippant, insensitive, unChristlike manner. You have children on the fence, waiting for the wind to blow them one way or the other, making their decision for them.

And I am so sorry. You love us all. Every single one. Members or not. Baptized or not. Straight or not. Bad social media presence or… well let’s be honest – it’s all pretty bad. And you really just want us to get along and all make it home.

Does any good come of these? Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes I wonder if these don’t just tear everyone apart, pushing us miles and miles away from one another. Sometimes I feel like it’s a test and we’re all failing. Sometimes I wonder if we’re gonna screw up your system so monumentally there will just be no fixing it.

But thank goodness for Jesus, man. Because of what you two did for us I know there’s really no such thing as “too late” or “too far gone.” I mean, I feel like I understand humanity enough now to know that if you give us an opportunity to screw something up, we’re gonna screw it up. We WILL blow things out of proportion. We WILL take things way too far. We WILL remove or add context contrary to your design. We WILL say the right thing in the worst possible way, and the wrong thing in the best possible way. (Don’t you just love us?) Give us a choice and we’ll mess it up. And you always will give us the choice. Because our agency is more important to you than everything being clean and neat and color-coded.

Speaking of agency. Yikes. Sorry about everything we’re choosing to write and post and share on Facebook. We’re the worst. All of us.

I hope there are some good things for you though, Father. I hope other people have been driven to prayer like I have. I hope people are asking questions and looking for answers – on the internet, on the church website and on their knees. I hope Kim Davis appreciates that we’re taking the religious spotlight off her for a bit. I hope we’re all being made aware of all the different groups, all the different camps so that we can be more loving and sensitive. I hope we come out of this stronger – with the Mormons realizing we’re not all on the same page and that’s ok, and the non-Mormons realize that there’s complexity in every issue and that’s also ok. Do you think that will happen, Father?

I’m sorry for having questions and doubts in the past. I’m grateful for the opportunity this gave me to think and feel and discover and pray and know for myself. Thanks for being patient with me. And thanks for answering those prayers. It means a lot, especially now. There’s plenty more to come, if you’re up for it. Who am I kidding – you always are. Thanks for giving me Ryan. He’s so solid and level-headed during these things; I don’t know how I’d fare without him.

Sorry. Back to you. It’s so typical of me to talk about myself – I’m sorry. I hope that you’re well… Those are lyrics. Adele. Have you heard her? She’s great. Great song.

But really. What can I do to help? I mean, I’m just me. Just a stay at home mom with very little influence, even in my tiny corner of the world. But I’m just thinking of you and feeling so sad and frustrated and grateful for you. I really would like to do anything I could for you. I’m not ~great at this revelation thing but I’m pretty sure you’re not saying I should get in fights on the internet about it or espouse the “If you don’t like it LEAVE!” argument. But I also know you want me here. You don’t want me to leave. Don’t worry – I’m not gonna.

You know what always makes me feel better? Love. It fixes everything. So how about I just love you? I’m gonna love you so much. I’m gonna love you in my mind and in my heart and in my car (which is hard by the way). I’m gonna gossip less and swear more. Damn. I mean less. I’m going to assume less and serve more. I’m going to think of others, and less of myself. Yeah, the “others” are gonna be Reese and Ryan and the girls from Scream Queens but I gotta start somewhere right? I’m going to try to uphold the church AND be Christlike AND be sensitive AND be strong. And I’ll fail at all of it. But I’ll try. For you. Because I love you. And because I’m sorry about all of this. I think when we stop to think – we all are.

Please look into our hearts and help us to look into others’ in return. We’re sorry. And we love you.

And please bless this pack of peanut butter M&Ms that they will nourish and strengthen my body because it’s been an incredibly stressful week.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.