I’ve always struggled with it. I can be kind. I can be patient. I can be friendly. I can be generous. But not all the time and not all at the same time. That’s compassion. And I don’t really have it.
Being a mom is making me soft, though. I love this little girl so much, and it’s helping me understand compassion a little bit more. I understand the Savior’s love for each of us much more fully now, although I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand it completely.
Twice in 2015 I have been “attacked” about my religious beliefs via Twitter. I don’t know if the work “attacked” is fair, but twice I have received argumentative, accusatory messages from anti-Mormon peeps – strangers that I don’t know and didn’t address – because I tweeted positive messages about my church and the gospel. At first I got the fight-or-flight adrenaline dump in my system, as I always do. There’s no way I could just stand by and let these trolls troll me! NOT ON MY WATCH. I offered cool, calm, collected arguments, trying very hard not to pour fuel on the flame they were trying so hard to ignite. I have gotten better at this over the years – I know that I don’t know everything. I know that intellectuals can probably best me in a religious argument if I don’t stick to the inarguable truth – I believe it. Nobody can argue with that! I believe! Suck it! I think Jesus says that in the New Testament somewhere, right? I just can’t sit there and say nothing. I can’t turn the other cheek (yes I realize that actually IS in the New Testament, thank you), because that’s like letting the win. That’s forfeiting!
I turned to The Beard in the middle of one of the fights/discussions and asked him “Is there ever such a thing as someone actually LEAVING the church? Like totally leaving it and leaving it ALONE?”
“Maybe. But no. Pride makes you leave and pride makes you keep arguing. There’s no such thing as an ex-Mormon who isn’t an anti-Mormon.”
And I just thought about it and thought about it. Why do they pick fights with random blonde girls on Twitter? How can I win those arguments? Why does it make me feel so uneasy when I can’t? Why is this guy the worst?
I took a minute to look at the profile of one of the ex/anti-Mormon attackers. I mocked his profile picture, his dismal number of followers and his last 10-20 tweets which were all basically copied-and-pasted statements attacking anyone who tweeted a certain hashtag about the church. I took some real satisfaction in how depressing and stupid it all looked.
“Danica. That’s my son.”
Seemingly mid-sneer I felt the icy weight slip down into my belly. While I was taking comfort in the self-righteous indignation which I felt gave me ground on which to stand, I was turned sharply about. How can I think my station is righteous and superior enough to hate and mock this man? I am a daughter of God. And this Twitter troll is His son.
I felt it, just for a second. God wasn’t mad at this troll. God doesn’t feel threatened by this troll. He may frown slightly at the acidic sentiment this guy is trying to spread. But He’s probably frowning even more at the angry, self-righteous and prideful responses of the people who profess to fight FOR Him. God loved this guy. So much. He probably saw this guy through countless dark nights, lonely drives, happy moments and unending questions. Just like he’s done for me.
Next in the guilt slideshow of Danica’s gut was a girl on social media. Do you have one? The one you love to hate? Maybe you’re nicer than me and you don’t screenshot and text your friends about the stupid and braggy things she’s posting. If this girl knew what I said and thought about her, she’d think I’m the meanest, most selfish, most awful girl in the entire universe, probably. But she doesn’t know, thank goodness. (Though she probably does still think I’m stuck-up and mean.) And she doesn’t know that behind my snarky blog screen I spend time every day on my knees praying for myself, my family, my friends. She doesn’t know that I read the scriptures every day and try really hard to apply them. She doesn’t know that I beat myself up emotionally every 4-6 weeks or so because I realize just how awful I really am, how far I have to go, and just how much repenting I need to do.
Just like I don’t know that she probably does the same thing. I pictured her in that moment, on her knees praying to OUR Heavenly Father. I pictured Him looking down on her with the look of loving concern that I often imagine for myself when I’m praying to Him. It was so vivid and clear. So strange and unnatural. But in that moment I KNEW. She does this, too, Danica. You aren’t the only bad person trying hard behind the scenes to do better. You aren’t the only one tearing yourself between the good picture of yourself and the worst one.
Why do I take people at face value? It makes me sick to think people might take me at face value. My face value sucks.
It made me think of the time I was tailgating this car. THEY WERE GOING 15 MILES UNDERRRRRRR THE SPEED LIMITTTTTTTTT AHHHHH KILLLLL MEEEEE. Finally when I whipped into the open passing lane and shot a peeved look at the car
I SAW MY GRANDPA.
Not really. He’s been dead for 4 years. But it was an old man who looked exactly like my grandpa. I burst immediately into tears. My grandpa was super active and out-and-about up until right before he died. What if some bitchy 20-something tailgated him for driving slow? He’s my sweet grandpa! They would just flip him the bird and get pissed and lay on the horn and not even know how loving and generous and sweet and perfect of a grandpa he is?!!!!!
Yes. Just like I almost did to this cute guy. He probably has a granddaughter out there someone who loves him to pieces and would take me to the woodshed for my attitude against him. Over DRIVING SLOW. How stupid is that?
General Conference was awesome, and this is the message I took away: God loves ALL of us. Stupid, right? It’s been in primary songs, on stickers, pretty much everywhere since I was in Sunbeams. It just makes more sense now.
Because I look at this tiny face and just feel this overwhelming, SCARY, wonderful love. I legitimately freaks me out how much I love her. And the kicker? He loves us even more than that. EVEN MORE! What?!!! How?!!! I don’t know. But He does. Whether we’re a pure and perfect baby, a snarky blogger, a trolling anti-Mormon or anywhere in between.
Compassion means trying to see the WHOLE person, even the parts you can’t or will never see.
So the next time that girl posts something awful I’m going to try to picture her in one of those insecure moments I have.
The next time that jerk cuts me off on the freeway I’m going to pretend it’s my sweet grandpa and not be so bugged.
And the next time an Anti-Mormon picks a fight I’ll try to see them the way I know my Heavenly Father sees me.
With Compassion.
8 thoughts on “Compassion”
Thank you for this Danica, it took thoughts out of my own head I’ve been trying to put into words for years and made me think about other things in a whole new light. Beautiful.
Beautiful. By the way, I realize you are super sarcastic, but I’ve never considered you as mean. Just FYI 😉 And, it amazes me too, the amount of love we can feel for our children!
Thanks so much, this is perfect. It’s still amazing to me how much change a tiny baby can make in me. But I don’t care what anyone says, loving a child is life changing.
You are wonderful!
Ah I so relate to this post. And then I got all self-conscious and checked all my social media posts to see if I was the girl you were making fun of. hahaha. Anyway, I really do struggle with all the same things and also need to be better, so thanks for the reminder. BTdubs you can keep being snarky because I’ll keep laughing, and still know there’s a whole lot more to you.
I love the conclusion you make that “compassion means trying to see the WHOLE person.” I definitely think that becoming a parent helps you see things in a different way. I used to be the person who analyzed everything everyone said or did and became defensive so easily. I think purposely trying to incorporate compassion into my life has helped me become a happier person. It can be a lot of work, but it helps you to realize that we are all in the same boat, trying to get to the same place.
As for the ex-mormon automatically being anti-mormon: I think it’s important to remember that when you go through a faith transition you progress through the stages of grief. Unfortunately anger is one of those stages and sometimes it can be hard to move past that. I don’t think it’s pride as much as it is pain.
The road rage! It’s the hardest!
I honestly went back searching your archives for this one. This is the one. Me. Today. In your words. Thank you. <3