This has been a challenging post to write. It’s a very interesting topic and super fun to discuss, but how to do so in a delicate way?? I don’t know if I struck the careful balance I’ve been aiming for, but I hope so. After 10 or 12 edits and rewrites I don’t think it’ll get much better. So here goes. Lord beer me strength.

Now I know this seems like a strange topic coming from a pregnant girl. And it is. But hear me out. I don’t spend much time thinking or talking about exes, mine or The Beard’s. {WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT AN OBSESSED UNCLE RICO PERSON WOULD SAY, I know, I know} But I promise. He does even less. This theory (or lack thereof, actually) is one that originally concerned me in high school, and has just been an interesting topic as I’ve grown older – and possibly the most interesting as people settle down with their permanent matches. It’s so fun to talk to people about it since there’s so many perspectives. It was refreshed in my mind a few weeks ago as we just discussed it with some friends. My girlfriend mentioned that her ex and his wife just had a baby and we began recounting stories of that ex (he was THE WORST). My friend’s husband began laughing and rolling his eyes, almost not believing that his wife would seriously date someone so unlike himself. I opened it up to Twitter and had a fun discussion with a bunch of friends and followers about it – males, females, married, single, childless and big families. Hilarious.

It begs the question: What do our exes say about us? Or about our spouses?

It started in a very juvenile way as a high schooler/college student. I think we naturally compare ourselves to “The Ex” or exes. Maybe girls more than boys, but don’t act like we don’t all do it. At first glance, we are all mostly concerned that we are hotter than the ex. Please, Lord, let me be smarter, cuter, better with grammar, have fewer selfies, have more followers, and be generally superior as a human being than those hoochie hoes (sorry, grandma) which came before me. I think that’s normal. And you definitely want your significant other (hereafter known as the S/O) to think and agree that you are the best they’ve ever had, or ever will have.

BUT.

What if their exes are “total uggos”?? What if they’re all crazy or ugly or stupid or bad? Does that mean your S/O has a “type” and YOU’RE ALSO THAT AWFUL TYPE? I mean, just by dating this S/O you are placed in an automatic category with all of their exes. Does it look like a collection of similars or a game of “One of These Things is Not Like the Others”? Because that can be horrifying.

ON THE OTHER HAND

When your ex settles down with someone, what does THAT person indicate about you? We’d like to say “Ew did you SEE who they married? Well it’s tough to find someone good when I’m the best there is! *finger snap*” But does it actually say “You’re not as good as this person because I chose to be with them permanently!” ??? I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t spent plenty of time with my girlfriends looking up their exes ugly current girlfriends and making fun of their makeup. We chalked it up to the process of getting over the ex, obviously. It’s very healing to say “I’m glad to see he found a girl with plenty of time to tease her hair for their weekly country squaredancing dates…” Sorry not sorry. 

Sometimes, though, they end up with someone undeniably decent. Or better. One of my high school boyfriends married a girl with my same name (a not particularly common name, to be honest, right?). And of course she’s younger, blonder, thinner and just altogether adorable. I remember the day they went “Facebook official” because roughly 80% of our high school texted or messaged me about it. LOLZ. “Yes, he’s dating a Danica. No, it’s not me again.” It was even funnier when he married her. What are the odds? Does this mean he had a type (of which I was one) and she’s the very obvious upgrade??

The Beard has dated quite the combination of hot/not/crazy/cool/smart/dumb girls. Does that mean I’m like them? Do I have something in common with all of them? Some more than others probably… hot or not? Cool or crazy? Smart or dumb?!!! WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNNN. What does it mean if someone marries someone completely unlike their exes?

As I was talking about this with the other teachers at lunch one said “It would just mean that your S/O (or your ex) was figuring out what they DID and DIDN’T like.” I think there’s a lot of truth to that. The Beard acts, for the most part, indifferent about my exes. He’s only met a couple of them but I think he’s fairly certain he’s better than them (at least in the weirdness department – read more about that here LOLZ).

The truth is that The Beard is NOTHING like my exes. I don’t think that says anything about THEM, in particular. It really just says more about him. There isn’t anyone LIKE Ryan. It makes sense that he wouldn’t be like my exes because I had never met anyone remotely like him before. He’s smart, funny, a punk and a rebel, spiritual, a musician, wayyyyy too into sports, a computer nerd, a great missionary,  incredibly sensitive yet weirdly masculine in his inability to communicate emotion, hates most people while showing deep compassion for individuals, enjoys musicals and chick flicks, grows the thickest manly beard, loves John Denver and Wu Tang Clan, and can be sexist while also being better at cooking, babysitting and handwriting than I am. I couldn’t have predicted that “type” because it isn’t one. He’s perfect for me and there’s never been anyone else even close to that personality.

I think that’s when having exes became incredibly romantic to me. It doesn’t have to be awkward or sad or weird or hilarious (although it probably still is, to be honest). The fact that you dated a lot of people and they’re different and not right just means you were looking for someone who exists out there more weird and perfect for you.

I guess I still wonder what it says about me when The Beard has exes on both sides of the fence – some that I’m confident I’m more attractive than (although not in my current state, obvs, UGH) and some that are clearly much more attractive than me. As I write this I wonder what those girls think about me. What MY exes think about me. What THEIR S/Os think about me. There are so many rulers with which to measure up. What makes this romantic is the realization that there never were, and never could be, any true rulers or scales for this.

When I ran into my ex and Danica 2.0, I had Ryan, so though there was the weak female moment of “Deeeeeeeefinitely skinnier than me!,” it was mostly just funny! She was so cute about it, though unexpectedly meeting the loud, ex-Danica was probably super weird. That day, and any time since, I’ve had only happy, friendly thoughts about them, because even though she’s a blonde Danica, that’s probably where the comparison stops. Nothing else has to be the same, better or worse than me, because we’re not measured on the same ruler. I wasn’t ever going to be the unique combination of perfection for him, and she obviously is. That’s crazy romantic!

In the past when I’ve looked at The Beard’s exes I think “Well that one is gorgeous” and “His type has always been gingers… which I am not…” and “Her? Really? Her?” and “His family would love this girl to join the family pastry business” or “Of course he’s into that edgy guitar playing girl with the faux-hawk and lip ring EWWWWW” or “I can’t believe he dated someone during their pre-Lesbian phase!” That got weird really fast. I know. But sometimes I wonder – Who am I? How do I compare? Can I ever truly be objectively better than another person? Of course I trust that he picked me because I was better for him than anyone else. I hope and think I’m that weird, perfect combination for him, as he is for me. Those girls have never needed to be competition because they are someone else’s weird, perfect combination!

Does this mean I’m going to stop making fun of my friends’ exes? No.

Does this mean I’m going to continually look for ways I’m better than everyone else? Of course.

But I like to think it’s from a slightly healthier place.

And in the end I think the consensus is that we’d prefer the exes to be less awesome than us, thank you very much.