I’ve got 1 more month of this pregnancy thing and you guys? I’ve learned a lot. There’s a lot that “they” never tell you. There’s a lot you can’t find in the stacks of pregnancy books you’ll inevitably read 40% of and then forget about.

After 8 months of this I’ve realized the most awkward part of pregnancy isn’t the stretch marks, cankles, sweeping papers off desks with your giant belly or even the uncontrollable noises you end up making. It’s responding to the awkward and personal questions that LITERALLY EVERYONE will be asking you for 9 months straight.

Sneak Peek from the maternity shoot I did with my friend Amy. She is so chill and awesome – check out her stuff and hit her up if you need photos done!

I don’t know. I guess I’m a fairly private person. You guys know I’m honest and open, but I’m definitely not a fan of people asking personal, intimate questions, especially when they are in no position to do so. So I guess maybe these stood out to me because I’m extra sensitive to it. Still, I feel some responsibility to prepare anyone out there for the questions which will be asked of you, and suggest some easy answers to protect yourself and your sanity.

Was it on purpose??? (Alternates: Was it a surprise? Birth control fail?)

I got this a lot, due to my previous no-kids position. I’ve already shared my thoughts.

Return the favor: “Oh. We planned it. With plenty of practice!” *Creepy Wink at Spouse*

Do you want a boy or a girl?

“Hoping for a Corgi, actually.” or “I’ll be disappointed either way.”

What are you gonna name her?

Here’s the problem. What if you don’t like her name? It’s awkward for everyone.  Then we have to announce her name with some weirdness or feel pressure to change it due to peer pressure. Her name will not be determined by a committee. All other opinions are pretty much invalid when it comes to naming OUR child. Why do people even ask? Currently, we don’t even know beyond a few names we kind of like, so I usually just say we don’t know yet or that we’re gonna wait to meet her first.  We will announce what her name IS and then not have to deal with what anyone thinks. Just have faith that we will choose something phonetically consistent. The Beard hates this question so much and feels even more passionate than I do, so his response?

“Oh yeah we’re gonna name her Steve.” 100% deadpan, serious face. It’s the best.

So… are you gonna go natural or…?

You know how they say not to talk about politics or religion in polite conversation? It’s because it’s divisive and inflammatory. But you know nothing about divisive and inflammatory until you have two parties facing off over natural vs. medicated birth. I personally think home births are reckless, stupid and unnecessary which is MY OPINION. I would never try to talk anyone out of it or assume that I’m smarter, better or care more about my child for choosing a hospital delivery. But MAN is that conversation awkward. Why do you need to know? YOU DON’T. It’s extremely polarizing and personal. WHYYYYYY.

“We believe in witchcraft, actually so I don’t know if ‘natural’ is the best word…”

Are you planning on breastfeeding?

See above. Basically the same.

“Well she’s actually gotten pretty used to a steady stream of Diet Coke so I just filled a bunch of bottles with that and we’ll call it good.”

When are you having the next one? She’ll need a sibling!

Can you at least give me, I don’t know, 10 seconds to ENJOY something before urging me on to the next checkpoint? Same problem exists when people ask newlyweds when they’re having kids. Let’s just savor life, people!

I like saying “As soon as this one can babysit because I am NOT raising another one.”

Wow! You’re getting big! How much longer?/How much have you gained?

My best friend Katie told me that she asked her doctor to only bring up her weight if it became a problem, otherwise she wasn’t going to worry about it and just focus on the amazing work her body was doing. I loved that, and really tried to take it to heart. I am aware that I’ve put on weight well into the upper limits of the suggested pregnancy gain. I am aware that it came on fast and is obvious on my frame. I am aware that my large boobs got larger and my short torso pops this belly right out. I really didn’t feel worried or bad about it because I felt strong and healthy and my doctor said everything looked good. That was until the people close to me started saying things – whether joking or passive aggressive or serious. Especially once my doctor advised that I stop exercising after Thanksgiving due to that obnoxious pelvis pain – I felt really helpless, though I will admit my body felt much, much better. {At my appointment yesterday the NP said my weight, blood pressure and everything else looks great and super healthy so EAT IT EVERYONE.}

JUST BE NICE TO PREGNANT WOMEN. BEING AND GETTING BIGGER IS HARD. VERY LITTLE IS IN THEIR CONTROL.

“Oh I’ve gained about 95 pounds.” – Thanks to Jim Halpert for this one.

As with every other awkward question or painfully personal conversation, I believe it stems from the hearty Mormon desire to be friendly and close with one another. Therefore I try to take the awkwardness with a grain of salt, and not let that salt get in a wound. I advise you to do the same, although I’ll tell you it is incredibly hard at times.

People give you advice not because they think you’re stupid, but it’s going to feel that way.

People comment on your size not because they think you’re inexplicably fat, but it’s going to feel that way.

People don’t ask personal questions because it’s their business or they absolutely NEED to know, but it’s weirdly going to feel that way.

People disagree with your philosophies or decision not because they think you’re going to an awful mother, but it’s going to feel that way.

People will blame your sensitivity on pregnancy hormones and assume they didn’t REALLY offend you, or what they said wasn’t REALLY that bad, though they did and it was.

Lately I’ve been really worried about this. I don’t want people to watch me mother a baby, since I know I am going to have to learn so so much. I prefer to learn in private, perform in public. Unfortunately/Fortunately, I’ll have my moms, sisters, aunts, friends, ward members, GLEN COCO all watching me and judging me and correcting me and internally rolling their eyes and dropping their jaws at how inept I am. It honestly keeps me awake at night.

But I do know that I’ll love that baby and I’ll be able to keep her healthy and alive (God willing everything is normal, of course). I’m struggling to let go of those preemptive insecurities and focus on that. Love. Learning. Family.

It really doesn’t matter what people ask or say or think. I’m going to love this little girl to pieces and do the absolute best that I can. Everyone else can just smile at us or go pound sand.

Amen.