Teaching is hard. I don’t mean to complain and whine here. Everyone has hard jobs. Everyone does important work. Society needs us all. (Except you, Kim Kardashian. No one needs you or pictures of your butt and P.S. you’re awful.)

But teaching is hard. It gets easier the longer to teach because of preparation and experience, respect and age. But this year I’m realizing more than ever just how hard it is to be a good, GOOD teacher. And I’m mighty proud of us, because honestly most of us really are. I promise.

When my energy levels were high, my time more free, my life simpler, teaching was difficult, but my pie was so much bigger. The slice that teaching took  wasn’t quite as dramatic. And I love it so much. I hope you guys truly know that, despite my #jrhighprobs and gross stories. Loving this “calling,” because I believe it really is more of a calling for most teachers, has made it really easy to accept and deal with some of the harder realities of the job.

Now that I’m pregnant I feel that my pie has really shrunk. I have less time and energy, yet many of the pie pieces have stayed the same: chores, responsibilities, social life, teaching. I’ve also added a few new slices – pregnancy prep/research, the nursery, taking care of Baby Holdy in general. I find that this teaching slice is actually really big, and now it seems so disproportionate to the rest of my life. I’m spending my best hours, the lion’s share of my energy, and HUGE real estate of my heart at school each day.

The worst part is that I still feel it isn’t enough. I feel like I’m not as good of a teacher as I should be. Most teachers feel that way, most of the time. That’s just one more reason I was incredibly disappointed in Time Magazine calling us Rotten Apples in their first November issue this month. Now I agree that there are TERRIBLE teachers out there. There truly are duds, just like in any other job. But I am so SO sick of teachers being asked for an increasing amount, offered less and less, then being suspected, mistrusted and even blamed for the big major problems we see on a NATIONAL level. It is just plain stupid to target individual teachers for problems that are so inextricably linked to major government and societal issues.

An assistant principal responded to defend teachers, and again, I can’t agree 100% with this article because I think it is a little extreme for MOST teachers. Still, it highlights what it really means to be a public school teacher today. It is so much more (and less…$$) than people think. If I had a penny for every time someone said “OH but you get all summer off!” “You have all those holidays and weekends – you’re so lucky!” “You’re done at 3! That’d be fantastic!” “You just hang out with kids and watch movies and stuff, right?”

Right. That’s all. My days are easy and I don’t deserve vacations. Maybe I should do a “Day in the Life” because I think Bon’s was particularly interesting and eye-opening.

Because last week I found a suicidal note in a student’s binder. And I cried the entire way home and lost sleep over it.

Its not in my job description to connect emotionally with each of my 200 kids every day. Nor is it my job to go through their binders, check their wrists for cutting, stay late to meet with parents/counselors/administrators about parent issues. But OBVIOUSLY finding that note and talking to this girl was easily the most important thing I did that entire week. THAT’S what I think about. THAT’S what makes teaching the hardest.

Maybe I’m pregnant and emotional. Maybe my maternal instincts are kicking in? But this shook me completely to my core. I felt like my heart had been punched. Crushed. Smashed. This girl was one who is quiet, gets good grades, smiles, chats quietly and generally stays under my radar. Through a random coincidence (yeah right, thanks Heavenly Father!) I happened to glance at the note as her binder flashed towards me in motion. It was a laundry list of the things she hated about herself – including her thighs, her teeth, her stupidity, her laugh, her selfishness and even being alive. WHAT?!

I took it from her after class. I spoke with her at length, telling her I think she’s beautiful and awesome and great. I cracked a few jokes to get her to smile and sent her on her way with a hug. I spent another half hour in the counseling office detailing the interaction with the counselors, leaving well after 4 pm (I got there at 7 and my contract time is 7:20-3:20) and getting little of the prep work done I needed to do. Was it enough? I’ll never know that.

Emotionally and physically exhausted, I cried the entire way home and curled up in bed for a terrible nap – just picturing this girl and everything that goes on in her life. The lives of others. The lives of all my students outside my class. What are they going through? What happens when no one is watching them? How do they feel about themselves? Is this girl going to get in trouble? Is she going to hate or mistrust me since I “turned her in”? Did I make any difference at all? I will think about this girl probably every day for the next year or so, if previous experience is any predictor.

I woke up (if I ever truly fell asleep past a doze) and picked at some dinner. I was back in bed by 9:30 for a night of nervous, restless sleep. I struggled for the rest of the week; I just couldn’t seem to reset or bounce back. Emotions? Hormones? Motherhood? General life toughness? I can’t be sure, other than to know that when I’m more tired and my pie gets smaller and smaller it’s a lot more obvious what my job requires. And its a lot more obvious that real life is always deeper below the surface. And that’s why I wanted to share this.

Teaching is hard.

Life is hard.

Thank a teacher.

Hug your kids and friends.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.