This week me and my sister Brooke were shopping at the mall and saw, from a distance, a boy we knew from high school. As he saw us he quickly turned and took off at a brisk pace to avoid us. The reason why kept us laughing until we pulled out of the parking lot, and I feel y’all may enjoy the story.

I was a freshman in college, living in Provo, but hanging out at home with my family. Brooke was a junior in high school. We were sitting in the living room, probably watching The Office, when both of our phones buzzed at the same time.

“Heyyyy girl what are you doin?” I read. This was a boy my age who I had hated in middle school, but had really humbled out in high school and we’d hung out a few times my senior year and freshman year of college. Still, he was pretty weird and I hadn’t seen him in months. I’m not usually a fan of these random texts, but I am a girl and to pretend we aren’t all flattered by texts like this from boys is stupid.

I told him I was just hanging out, no plans and asked what he was up to – he’s not really my type, but he does have friends… so… {Provo BYU Mindset}

Then came the non-committal, lazy single boy bat signal – “We should hang out.” Where? When? Why? Doing what? Including any of these would constitute a “date” or “interest” when what he’s really looking for is some girls to show up at his apartment with minimal effort. Oh, not apartment, I forgot. He was still living at his mom’s house. That’s right.

I snort through my nose with an eye roll.

“Who are you texting?” Brooke asks from the couch.

“Jimmy John. Psh.” *Name changed to protect subject from an extreme BURNNNNNN*

“WHAT? He’s texting me too!” My mouth falls open.

No.

No way is this kid dumb enough to send that obviously duplicated text to multiple girls in his phone. NO WAY IS THIS KID DUMB ENOUGH TO SEND THAT OBVIOUSLY DUPLICATED TEXT TO A PAIR OF SISTERS. 

“Are you serious? Is he asking if you want to hang out?” I ask as I stand up to go sit by her and compare text conversations. Shot for shot remake on Brooke’s phone and mine.

At this point, my mom and dad are craning their necks from the kitchen. The colorful phrases spilling from their daughter’s mouths might have been concerning.

“Let’s text him back. The same thing. Let’s mess with him.” We decide at almost the same time. I’m a big believer in exposing douche-baggery, especially something this blatant. Especially when he’s texting my 16 YEAR OLD BABY SISTER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

We deviously began typing the exact same text message to this idiot, sending them just seconds apart – enough time for him to respond to one of us before the other’s text arrived.

First, it was “Yeah we should! I’d love to hang tonight. :)”

When he agreed we sent “What do you want to do?” and then a few seconds later “I’m just getting ready to leave” to put him in a nice little panic.

He, of course, couldn’t think of any ideas except “watching” a “movie” on his “couch” feel free to translate that yourself. His texts were slowing down and growing somehow even more generic and non-committal so we went for the big one.

“Ok! I’m on my way over! See you soon! ;)” Sent at exactly the same time.

We are sobbing with laughter on the couch in the living room, picturing this kid holding his phone in horror. Hopefully his approach of “throw everything against the wall and see what sticks” meant a few other girls were texting him too. The paranoia and crisis we hoped he was feeling meant nothing short of pure glee for us.

“Oh I’m not home sorry” was his last text to us both – he finally got it. Good for you buddy, we thought as we wiped laughing tears from our eyes and texted the developments to our friends. Hope you learned your lessons.

Don’t text a million girls at once.

Don’t text two girls whose paths are likely to cross.

Don’t text two sisters.

Definitely make sure those sisters aren’t the Budge girls because Budge girls handle their business.

I don’t think my dad has ever been less worried about and more proud of his daughters.