This month has been bananas (in a good way) so I haven’t posted in a while. I thought I’d re-enter with a bang – the type of post that makes me LOL the whole time I’m writing it. {Quick Reminder: Harry Potter Book Club is on Saturday! More info here}

This is the story of a run-in between my husband and an ex-boyfriend. Ever had one of those? I’m convinced they are THE most hilarious encounters on the planet. This story happened back in, like, July. But I didn’t want to post it right away because I guess I was worried people would think I was preoccupied with my exes or something. Which is stupid, right? Happily married for 2.5 years with no concept of where my exes are or what they’re doing? I don’t need to justify telling this hilarious story. Buckle in.

The Beard was working downtown and I was down in Provo at Seven Peaks with my girlfriends. We were meeting our besties the Findeis’ for dinner so The Beard took Frontrunner down to Provo so we didn’t have 2 cars out there. When I pick him up at the Provo station he says

“That was the weirdest train ride. This crazy guy had a lizard and was hitting on this slutty girl, another girl broke up with her boyfriend over the phone and this weird kid was sitting next to me snickering at stuff on his phone and looking really nervous so I’m pretty sure he was looking at porn.”

We think nothing more of it. We go have an excellent CDP (classy dinner party) with our best friends as we always do.

The next day I get a picture tweeted to me from one of my ex-boyfriend’s buddies that I’m still internet friends with. I can’t help it that all his friends are super cool and funny and still relevant. This is the picture he sends me, with the subtitle “#crazytrainfolk”

That is my husband. On the train. The day before. Obviously high-pitched horror movie music starts playing in my head. What the h*ck? Pretty weird, dude. Who takes a picture of someone, KNOWING who it is, but doesn’t introduce themselves or say anything… then tweets the picture to his wife a day later? But these kids are kind of weird in a good/funny way so I shake it off.

I reply “hahaha that’s weird! Why didn’t you say hi?! He’d have loved to meet you!” Because he really would have. The Beard loves making friends and being recognized because it makes him feel famous. Plus they like all kinds of the same weird music.

When I show it to The Beard, he’s obviously weirded out. “So when that weird kid was snickering and playing with his phone he was taking pictures of me to send to you a day later? What a psycho.” I show him the kid’s profile pic and explain who he is.

“Wait. That’s not the kid.” 

“What? This is the kid that tweeted it at me. He’s a friend from high school? Dated my friend?”

“Well that doesn’t look like the kid on the train. I mean, I didn’t really get a good look at him because he made like zero impression on me, but he didn’t look like that.”

I start flipping through a few more pics of this kid, wondering if he maybe cut his hair or something.

“What about this? No? How about this one? No? Really? That’s weird…”

“Wait. It’s THAT guy.”

I had stopped on a group photo of this kid, his friends and my ex-boyfriend. The Beard was pointing directly at my ex-boyfriend’s face.

“This one. The scrawny one. He was the kid on the train snickering at his phone the whole time.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

“Ryan, that’s *******. My ex-boyfriend. The one who had Toxic by Britney Spears as his ringtone on his phone!”

“No wonder that little runt looked so nervous!”

So The Beard walked onto the train, taking the only open seat which just so happened to be RIGHT NEXT TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND, and didn’t even notice him except to think that he was nervous and giggly and probably watching porn.

My ex-boyfriend snaps a bunch of creeper pics of my husband, who he obviously recognized and sends them to his friends.

His friends tweet them at me, presumably to tease/bully my ex-boyfriend and rat him out for being such a little creep.

The best part? “That’s really too bad. If I had known it was him… I just hate missing opportunities to bully people.” 

Classic Beard.

Tune in next time when I tell you the story of this same boyfriend literally running away from The Beard, my dad and brother at Priesthood session of General Conference.